Tag Archives: Zoraida Sambolin

Wallet full of teeth

joe* Drew Peterson may be willing to box his girlfriend’s ex.  The best part will be the weigh-in, when we get to see ol’ Drew in his skivvies.  Of course, those weigh-ins get pretty testy.  Usually a lot of trash talk.  I expect Drew to say something along the lines of, “I’m gonna hit you so hard, you’ll fall down and I’ll smother you with a pillow and put you in a giant tupperware tub and drive you out to the middle of nowhere and bury you and tell everyone you just ran away.”

Seems like something he’d say.

* You can only have between 6-12 close friends.  (Bonus item from the article: the wealthiest among us had the most friends in school.)  Based on my number of school friends, I guess I should anticipate unemployment any day now.

Closeup of young woman receiving back massage.* Dubious research!  We enjoy experiences more when they’re interrupted.  So the theory goes, you have more fun watching a TV show with commercials.  The article says people report being happier when receiving a massage that’s interrupted.  I will keep this in mind should I ever get “alone time” with a lady.  Mid-deed, I’ll just get up and start reorganizing her closet or something.

* Goofball Colorado Congressman tells bloggers they’re killing old media and the change is “mostly for better.”  Yeah.  Who wants those stodgy old newspapers informing us and keeping an eye on corrupt politicians and corporations?  Certainly not me.

* Who wants to see New York Governor David Paterson in really short running shorts?  Not you.  No!  Don’t click there!  I said not you!

catstop* Bong Cat Update!  The guy put his cat in the bong at least twice before.  Some pot head out there is taking this theory to the next level, assembling giant bales of weed in his living room and putting his mouth on his chimney to calm the toddlers inside.

* Some moron legislator in West Virginia is attempting to ban Barbie doll sales.  He claims they encourage girls to focus more on beauty than intelligence.  Yeah?  So?  Don’t we want girls to be pretty?  Maybe he doesn’t.  (Let’s all guess why this guy doesn’t care about beautiful women, shall we?) 

Besides, Barbie has a pretty awesome resume, including paleontologist, astronaut and President of the United States.  Hell, I wanna grow up to be Barbie.  Ken, on the other hand… that guy is a lazy jerk.

rachelray* Rachel Ray defends her FHM spread.  Wait.  Rachel Ray had an FHM spread?  Can something be hot and creepy at the same time?

* Every time I visit NBCChicago.com, the “most popular” box always features something called “Trucking Duck.”  I have never clicked on this story because it just looks to be video of some truck driver who drives around with a duck in his cab.  What’s perplexing is that this story has remained in the most popular section since the site’s relaunch several months ago.  Do we ever clear the decks on that tally or is this duck trucker story so compelling that it is consistently the most popular thing on the website?  I’m not even going to link to it because that will give it needless publicity.  I’m declaring war on you, Trucking Duck.  And I have a hankering for foie gras.

* 5 reasons the smartest people have the toughest time dating.  Because we spend more time on our blog every morning than attempting to talk to the opposite sex?

* From the Institute of Made-Up Science: the smell of rotten eggs turns men on.  So roll around in garbage, ladies!

300px-incandescent_light_bulb* GE CEO Jeff Immelt just bought 50,000 shares in our company to show his confidence.  Bear in mind 50,000 shares of GE currently cost a grand total of $1.48, so it’s not a huge investment.

* Remember the minor league baseball player who was traded for ten maple bats?  He’s dead.  Guess the team with the bats ended up with the better end of that deal, huh?

* If you drive a mid-90s green Ford Escort, there’s a guy in Oregon who plans to set your car on fire.  Cop quote: “I think this person really doesn’t like Ford Escorts.”

* If you’re buying a wallet from Wal-Mart, make sure you check to make sure it comes with its ten complimentary human teeth.

zoraida* Today, I finally diagnosed Zoraida.  She has Terminal Honesty Disease.  This morning, when interviewing an author, she came right out and said, “I haven’t read the book.”  On other occasions, she’s read a story and declared on the air, “That story doesn’t make sense” or, “That’s not what we reported yesterday.”  There is no cure for Terminal Honesty Disease.  Please wear a purple ribbon to raise awareness.

* Working the night shift puts you more at risk for obesity, diabetes and heart disease.  Coincidentally, dying from one of those things is the only way to escape the night shift.  (I’m coming, sweet oblivion!)

* Men’s sex lives suffer as they get fatter.  While manatee-shaped ladies have no shortage of suitors, I assume.

gun20barrel* “Kill my wife.”
“How much are you gonna pay me?”
“A thousand bucks.”
“No.”
“Two thousand bucks.”
“No.”
“Two thousand bucks… and a gift card to Westshore Pizza for $13.06.”
“When do you want her dead?”

* Based on the top 36 of “American Idol,” I think we can safely put Lil Rounds and Danny Gokey in the final.  Lil wins.

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The Glory of Bacon!

* Whiskey Rebellion performs tonight at 8!  It’s right next to Wrigley Field.  If you do not attend, we cannot be friends. 

jill

This one.

* Today Natalie Martinez got pulled over by a cop on her way to work.  What an awesome way to start your day at 4 in the morning!

* My friend Jill is an entertainment reporter for Fox News.  She needs your help picking a dress to wear to the Oscars.  See her model the contenders here.  And then go here to cast your vote!  Jill could look amazing in a burlap sack, but that green dress is awful.  I voted for the blue one, although the gold one was also pretty.

* Got some extra money lying around?  Pimp this bum!  (You can buy him laser hair removal for $130, but do you get to decide which hair is removed?)

* Yesterday, while lifting weights (picture it, ladies), I think I suffered an aneurysm.  I’ve had a stabbing headache for 12 hours.  It didn’t help matters when I came in to the newsroom and the fumes of some sort of paint wafted in from the lobby.  Highlander Producer Carol threw me some Advil.  It has allowed me to rejoin the realm of the living.  But since I’m pretty sure I blew a blood vessel in my brain, I will probably be dead by the weekend.  Just in case the blog goes dark all of a sudden…

* Zoraida’s Fan Mail!

I SAW THE NEWSCAST THE OTHER MORNING RE’ YOU AND ROB’S FITNESS CHALLENGE. FIRST OF ALL I MUST SAY I THINK YOU HAVE THE MOST GORGEOUS LEGS IN TV NEWS (o;

SECOND I’M A POLICE OFFICER AND I REALLY NEED TO GET INTO SHAPE. I HAVE HAD FIGHTS WITH PEOPLE 20 PLUS YEARS MY JUNIOR (I’M 46) AND IT’S IN SITUATIONS LIKE THAT I REALIZE I CAN’T RELY ON YOUTH TO WIN THOSE BATTLES.

Money strip-1TOWARDS THE END OF THE SEGMENT WHEN YOU WERE HOLDING THOSE 3 TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS YOU HAD WON FROM ROB, I CHUCKLED IT REMINDED ME WHEN I WOULD GO TO STRIP CLUBS AND THE GOING RATE WAS $55.00 FOR THREE DANCES AND I WOULD ALWAYS TIP THE GIRLS $5.00 FOR A TOTAL OF $60.00 AND THEY WOULD HOLD UP THOSE 3 $20.00 BILLS AND SMILE.

MEMORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAKE CARE,

KENNY

Chicago’s finest.  I mean, certainly finer than Anthony Abbate or the cop who smacked around that guy on the CTA.  But those are pretty low bars to clear. 

Zoraida,

I have noticed that you seem to have anger issues with men. It seems like you hit Rob, or as you did today, Art at various points during each broadcast. These blows are delivered with fists, open hand or with any item that can be used as a weapon that is near, usually a piece of processed wood (paper).

I suggest that you seek anger management before this problem manifests itself into full blown “Anchor Rage”. This problem appears to be systemic at NBC as Katie displayed similar behavior when she was on The Today Show and now Meredith displays the same violence toward men, often striking Matt in the same manner that you assault Rob.

I’m suspect Rob was absent today because he is discreetly seeking counseling for “AMA Syndrome” (Abused Male Anchor) which due to gender bias by the medical profession is not covered by his health insurance. NOAM (The National Organization of Abused Men) have established an emergency fund to help defray the cost of his therapy.

– Kirkland Burke

I totally agree.  Z usually punches or slaps me as she walks past my desk.  I think she just harbors some fantasy that I’ll fly into a rage and Hulk out, ripping my shirt to shreds and unveiling the “guns” she’s so fond of.

brain_glow* The brains of lonely people work differently.  But since they’re alone, no one knows it.  And no one cares.

* Praise can be bad for kids.  I am unfamiliar with the concept of “praise.”  Was that like when my mom threw me in the cockfighting pits and kept screaming for me to “grab the wings!  GRAB THE WINGS!”?

* Teens who skip breakfast as middle school students tend to have sex at an earlier age.   Those who find their mothers annoying also do the deed earlier.  Not true.  My mom was incredibly annoying and I’m still in mint condition.  Wow.  Talk about your lose-lose situations.

ipod* 2/3 teens would give up sex over their iPods.  In my day, I had a Walkman and celibacy to keep me company.  At least I have the iPod now…

* Men’s favorite sin?  Lust.  Women’s?  Pride.  My favorite sin?  Um.  Is “action figures” a sin?  (I do live a thrilling life.)

 * This site is keeping track of President Obama’s promises – those broken and those kept.  Sheez.  I wonder if a wife would use similar methods keep track of my record on wedding vows…

* Indian infant marries dog to prevent tiger attacks.  Who do we have to marry to what to stop my stock portfolio from collapsing any further?

* If at first you don’t succeed at marriage, try, try, try (23 times) again.   Nice track record, lady.

baconmonth* I was thrilled this morning to see that we have a package on my previously blogged-about hero, Mike Nelson, eating nothing but bacon for a month. 

Click here for the compelling video!  (I love his take on vegetables.)

And click here to follow Mike’s blog about his bacon experiment!

We ran two soundbites from that story and gave a thorough and thoughtful analysis during my show.  At the end, Zoraida flipped out and whined about how we’d just spent “three minutes” on Mike’s bacon challenge.  When I got out of the booth, I found this e-mail to soundoff@nbcchicago.com

Zoraida I believe you were a bit harsh on Mr. Bowman this morning. Look at all he does! He deserves his 3 minutes of indulgence in the stories he thinks Chicago should hear. I mean, at least he’s doing things like that and not turning off your teleprompter or anything.

– Carly Casper

So immediately, I’m thrilled.  Finally someone intelligent is sticking up for quality bacon journalism.  (Most of the e-mails sent to the station are whiny and lame.)  But Zoraida has the audacity to insinuate that Carly Casper is really me.

zoraida

Z cannot fathom that anyone would support me.

First of all, Carly’s e-mail came just three minutes after Zoraida made the comment.  During that time, I was walking out of the control room and grazing on the chocolate flowers at Natalie’s desk that she didn’t want.  I certainly didn’t have time to log on to Gmail, create an account, write an e-mail and send it in.  The e-mail arrived before I sat down at my desk.  Zoraida’s guess?  She thinks I previously created this account for “anonymous moments.”

Right.  I created an alter ego e-mail address, then just waited for Z to slam me on the air.  Then I ran out of the booth, sat down without anyone seeing me, logged on to Gmail, wrote that letter and e-mailed it in.  To what end?  TO WHAT END?

That clinches it.  Tomorrow I really AM running the 3-minute bacon package in its entirety.  Remember, I’m the guy who put the anchors through the torture of a singing Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner.  If Z won’t get on board the Awesome Train, it will run her over.