Tag Archives: american idol

Wallet full of teeth

joe* Drew Peterson may be willing to box his girlfriend’s ex.  The best part will be the weigh-in, when we get to see ol’ Drew in his skivvies.  Of course, those weigh-ins get pretty testy.  Usually a lot of trash talk.  I expect Drew to say something along the lines of, “I’m gonna hit you so hard, you’ll fall down and I’ll smother you with a pillow and put you in a giant tupperware tub and drive you out to the middle of nowhere and bury you and tell everyone you just ran away.”

Seems like something he’d say.

* You can only have between 6-12 close friends.  (Bonus item from the article: the wealthiest among us had the most friends in school.)  Based on my number of school friends, I guess I should anticipate unemployment any day now.

Closeup of young woman receiving back massage.* Dubious research!  We enjoy experiences more when they’re interrupted.  So the theory goes, you have more fun watching a TV show with commercials.  The article says people report being happier when receiving a massage that’s interrupted.  I will keep this in mind should I ever get “alone time” with a lady.  Mid-deed, I’ll just get up and start reorganizing her closet or something.

* Goofball Colorado Congressman tells bloggers they’re killing old media and the change is “mostly for better.”  Yeah.  Who wants those stodgy old newspapers informing us and keeping an eye on corrupt politicians and corporations?  Certainly not me.

* Who wants to see New York Governor David Paterson in really short running shorts?  Not you.  No!  Don’t click there!  I said not you!

catstop* Bong Cat Update!  The guy put his cat in the bong at least twice before.  Some pot head out there is taking this theory to the next level, assembling giant bales of weed in his living room and putting his mouth on his chimney to calm the toddlers inside.

* Some moron legislator in West Virginia is attempting to ban Barbie doll sales.  He claims they encourage girls to focus more on beauty than intelligence.  Yeah?  So?  Don’t we want girls to be pretty?  Maybe he doesn’t.  (Let’s all guess why this guy doesn’t care about beautiful women, shall we?) 

Besides, Barbie has a pretty awesome resume, including paleontologist, astronaut and President of the United States.  Hell, I wanna grow up to be Barbie.  Ken, on the other hand… that guy is a lazy jerk.

rachelray* Rachel Ray defends her FHM spread.  Wait.  Rachel Ray had an FHM spread?  Can something be hot and creepy at the same time?

* Every time I visit NBCChicago.com, the “most popular” box always features something called “Trucking Duck.”  I have never clicked on this story because it just looks to be video of some truck driver who drives around with a duck in his cab.  What’s perplexing is that this story has remained in the most popular section since the site’s relaunch several months ago.  Do we ever clear the decks on that tally or is this duck trucker story so compelling that it is consistently the most popular thing on the website?  I’m not even going to link to it because that will give it needless publicity.  I’m declaring war on you, Trucking Duck.  And I have a hankering for foie gras.

* 5 reasons the smartest people have the toughest time dating.  Because we spend more time on our blog every morning than attempting to talk to the opposite sex?

* From the Institute of Made-Up Science: the smell of rotten eggs turns men on.  So roll around in garbage, ladies!

300px-incandescent_light_bulb* GE CEO Jeff Immelt just bought 50,000 shares in our company to show his confidence.  Bear in mind 50,000 shares of GE currently cost a grand total of $1.48, so it’s not a huge investment.

* Remember the minor league baseball player who was traded for ten maple bats?  He’s dead.  Guess the team with the bats ended up with the better end of that deal, huh?

* If you drive a mid-90s green Ford Escort, there’s a guy in Oregon who plans to set your car on fire.  Cop quote: “I think this person really doesn’t like Ford Escorts.”

* If you’re buying a wallet from Wal-Mart, make sure you check to make sure it comes with its ten complimentary human teeth.

zoraida* Today, I finally diagnosed Zoraida.  She has Terminal Honesty Disease.  This morning, when interviewing an author, she came right out and said, “I haven’t read the book.”  On other occasions, she’s read a story and declared on the air, “That story doesn’t make sense” or, “That’s not what we reported yesterday.”  There is no cure for Terminal Honesty Disease.  Please wear a purple ribbon to raise awareness.

* Working the night shift puts you more at risk for obesity, diabetes and heart disease.  Coincidentally, dying from one of those things is the only way to escape the night shift.  (I’m coming, sweet oblivion!)

* Men’s sex lives suffer as they get fatter.  While manatee-shaped ladies have no shortage of suitors, I assume.

gun20barrel* “Kill my wife.”
“How much are you gonna pay me?”
“A thousand bucks.”
“Two thousand bucks.”
“Two thousand bucks… and a gift card to Westshore Pizza for $13.06.”
“When do you want her dead?”

* Based on the top 36 of “American Idol,” I think we can safely put Lil Rounds and Danny Gokey in the final.  Lil wins.


While my meterologist gently weeps

* Andy tells me yesterday’s post made him laugh so hard he cried.  Most women I ask out have the same reaction.

* Yesterday’s post also yielded one of our strangest comments to date.  Janet informs us, “Ray-Ban sunglasses are designed and manufactured in Italy to the highest of standards and come with a Ray-Ban lens cloth and pouch.”

Thanks for that totally random bit of information about Ray-Ban, Janet.  Did you know it’s legal to pistol duel in Ecuador as long as there’s a certified undertaker and priest present?  Random information is fun.

* Kristy Lee Cook was finally, mercifully, cut from “American Idol” last night.  Although she provided much-needed eye candy, she also sang like the monster from “Young Frankenstein.”  I stand by my previous prediction that David Archuleta will win.  David Cook is marginally talented, but his stupid smirk, stupider haircut and stupidest Sharpie hand message will be his undoing.

*17-year-old girl’s mom busts her for writing about marijuana on MySpace.  Hilarious.  Don’t worry, little girl, you can grow up to be Governor of New York that way.

* Survey says… People become happier with age.  One out of three 18-year-olds said they were “very happy,” compared to about half of 80-year-olds.  One hundred percent of 30-year-olds who produce 4:30 a.m. newscasts just kept telling the surveyor, “Kill me.  Kill me now.”

* Clown arrested on child porn charges.  Who could’ve seen that coming?  (Clowns and kiddie porn go together like peanut butter and jelly.)

* John McCain’s “family recipes” on his website are actually just Food Network dishes some intern plagiarized.  You think that’s embarrassing?  His biography says he dodged sniper fire during his trip to Bosnia as First Lady in 1996.

* Washington-area principal bans the game “tag.”  The terrorists have already won.

* I am told we’re getting pizza tomorrow.  This makes me happy.  But I’m also told the funding is coming from the morning staff, not news management.  So the battle rages on… Pizza or Revolution!

* If you’re bored tonight, I’m improvising at the i.O. Theater near Wrigley Field at 10:30.  The theater just revamped its website, so you can just add this page to your favorites and you’ll see all of Whiskey Rebellion’s performances.  We’ll be videotaping this show for submission to various festivals, so your attendance is mandatory.