* This will probably be the last blog until Friday. After working the overnight shift for two straight years, I have a pair of 9-5 shifts the next two days. I am looking forward to experiencing this “sun” everyone raves about.
* Faced with a total lack of decent “kickers” (those fun stories that end a newscast), I am forced to stockpile some emergency options. If you ever tune in and see any of the following items, it’s because I’m totally hard-up for anything amusing.
- This list of goofy holidays will come in handy year ’round. My birthday falls on National High Five Day. Awesome! High five!
- When the stock market closes every night, celebrate your newfound poverty by pressing this shiny blue button.
* One in seven British people think it’s okay to hit a woman for wearing sexy clothes. But don’t worry. The one British person who said that was Elton John, and he hits like a girl.
* Science finally tracks down the source of belly button lint. The researchers’ parents must be so proud. That’s gonna be one hell of a Christmas letter this year.
* Nashville is America’s manliest city. The least manly city? Pantywaist, Idaho.
* Drew Peterson to his step-brother: “How much do you love me?”
Step-brother: “A lot.”
Drew: “Enough to kill for me?”
But hey, such conversations are commonplace moments before a woman goes “missing,” right? They coulda been talking about anything. Maybe Drew was scared by a spider skittering across the bathroom floor.
* Men who have sex three times a week can decrease their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50%, while women who enjoy sex tend to live longer than those who don’t. And hopelessly single men who produce overnight news are being relentlessly hunted by the Reaper.
* Saudi Justice: Two guys deliver bread to a 75-year-old woman. Whippings and prison for everyone!
* College girls think college guys want them to get hammered with five drinks or more. They’re wrong. College guys want to enjoy a nice, slow, sober courtship with lots of hand-holding and flowers and love notes. (Obviously.)
* Apparently lots of people are walking out of “Watchmen.” It’s not for everybody. And it’s especially not for kids. If you are a parent who takes your child to a rated-R film, you deserve to have your children removed from your custody and sold as brides to Drew Peterson.
* Research: People quote films for the same reason they tell jokes. And people do bad impressions of Borat and Austin Powers for the same reason their jokes fail.
* Now the results of yesterday’s Movie Love/Hate Quiz.
1. “Boondock Saints” (HATE)
This movie is garbage. The brainchild of overalls-wearing idiot thug Troy Duffy (see “Overnight”), it’s the story of two brothers who go around shooting guns while their goofball friend provides unfunny comic relief and Willem Dafoe cross-dresses. This is a film beloved by frat boys who hate their parents and yearn for Ashton Kutcher to befriend them on Facebook.
2. “The Apartment” (LOVE)
Winner of Best Picture in 1960. It’s the story of a mild-mannered office guy (Jack Lemmon) who falls for the elevator operator (Shirley MacLaine). His shot at romance would be better if his apartment weren’t constantly in use by his bosses and their mistresses. Oh, and the elevator operator is already seeing somebody. It’s one of the greatest films ever made about urban loneliness and yearning. Funny, charming and romantic with one of the best last lines in movie history. (“Shut up and deal.”)
3. “L.A. Confidential” (LOVE)
It’s a mystery and a crime story with a top notch cast: Russell Crowe, Kevin Spacey, Guy Pearce, Kim Basinger, David Strathairn, Danny DeVito and James Cromwell. Bodies start piling up in L.A. and the cops investigating the murders learn they can’t even trust each other. Brilliant acting and a fantastic script. I just rewatched this a few weekends ago and I fell in love all over again.
4. “The Island of Dr. Moreau” (HATE)
Watching this is like suffering from night terrors in an iron lung. An obese Marlon Brando presides over an island filled with animal-human hybrids. And then things get weird. The movie gets progressively worse as it goes along. Quite the feat for a movie that starts off so awfully. This is pure pain.
5. “Waiting for Guffman” (LOVE)
A Christopher Guest mockumentary on par, if not surpassing “Spinal Tap” and “Best in Show.” The story of community theater in Blaine, Missouri. Imagine every awful elementary school play you’ve ever sat through. Now recast it with adults who have no clue about their lack of singing/acting chops. It’s like if “American Idol” put through all the delusional whack-jobs from the earliest auditions, then sat back and watched the fireworks. Endlessly, ruthlessly funny.
6. “Catwoman” (HATE)
Just a total train wreck of a film. Halle Berry plays superheroine Catwoman. Because she is so feline, she has to do things cats would do, like hissing at dogs, drinking cream, chugging whole cans of tuna, rubbing catnip all over her face, devouring sushi in one bite, purring and shrieking when rained upon. Benjamin Bratt is her love interest and he sizzles on screen with the intensity of a moist towelette. The villain is the ever-hammy Sharon Stone, whose world-domination plot involves cosmetic cream that melts people’s faces off. There is nothing good about this movie. Nothing.
7. “Gattaca” (LOVE)
A prescient film about the ability to genetically customize your children. In a world where success is scientifically assured for some, how can a man born without those advantages push through the barriers he should be unable to cross? Here’s how good this movie is: I think Uma Thurman is an awful actress. Yet she’s in this movie and I love it. Plus, it features Jude Law as a spoiled brat – a role he nails every time out. A great movie about the pursuit of a dream against impossible odds.
8. “Little Miss Sunshine” (HATE)
Pretentious garbage. This movie attempts to make you happy by shoving an obese little girl at you. Her mom is the difficult-to-watch Toni Collette. Her brother is this mopey jerk who refuses to speak. Her uncle is Steve Carell, who also took the mopey pills and hails from the Robin Williams school of “show ’em you’re a serious actor by growing a beard.” It’s a bunch of annoying characters in an annoying bus headed to an annoying finale. People like this do not exist in real life because people like me would push them face-first into wood chippers upon our first encounter.
9. “Donnie Darko” (HATE)
More pretentious junk. Jake Gyllenhaal is a mopey kid who runs around and… you know what? I’m not even going to bother with a synopsis because the movie is that lame. It’s one of those movies your friends say is “deep,” but they’re mistaking clutter for depth. Fun fact: before “Donnie Darko” came out, no one was emo. Now everyone is. Blame the movie.
10. “The Departed” (LOVE)
Martin Scorsese. Jack Nicholson. Matt Damon. Mark Wahlberg. Alec Baldwin. Martin Sheen. Leonardo DiCaprio. Guns. Gangs. Shocking murders. Cracker Jack dialogue. Great soundtrack. Cat-and-mouse battles for power. Best Picture of 2007. People who dislike this movie should be fitted with cement shoes and catapulted into Lake Michigan.