* Today I was reminded of two things:
1) Monday mornings are awful for news. I spent a ridiculously long time looking for stories today. There is just nothing out there. On a normal weekday morning, I might find value in one out of every ten stories I read. On Monday mornings, that number is more like one out of 30. I scraped the bottom of the barrel to fill today’s show.
2) I write best in silence. The newsroom was loud today, and every bellowed statement derailed my train of thought like that scene in “Lawrence of Arabia.”
* Vanilla Ice apologizes for “Ice Ice Baby.”
Upon running a portion of this today, Zoraida and Rob spoke about how much they loved Vanilla Ice. Between this and their undying affection for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Unnecessary Sequel,” I’m starting to question their judgment. It won’t be long before we learn their diet consists entirely of aerosol cheese and beef jerky and they spend every weekend at monster truck rallies.
I think people can be drawn together by mutual love or mutual hate for something. If I ever met a girl who hated Jimmy Buffett, I’d probably ask if I could impregnate her right there on the spot. It makes me happy when people take a stand on an issue. Give me a list of movies you love and movies you hate. Then I will know if you would be worth resuscitating if you ever collapsed in front of me. Examine this list of polarizing films. Circle “love” or “hate” next to each and I will reveal the results tomorrow…
1. “Boondock Saints” (LOVE/HATE)
2. “The Apartment” (LOVE/HATE)
3. “L.A. Confidential” (LOVE/HATE)
4. “The Island of Dr. Moreau” (LOVE/HATE)
5. “Waiting for Guffman” (LOVE/HATE)
6. “Catwoman” (LOVE/HATE)
7. “Gattaca” (LOVE/HATE)
8. “Little Miss Sunshine” (LOVE/HATE)
9. “Donnie Darko” (LOVE/HATE)
10. “The Departed” (LOVE/HATE)
* Musicians bag all the chicks because they are more attuned to emotion in your voice. Bret Michaels lands chicks because… I dunno… silicone is attracted to herpes?
* Lesson learned the hard way: When you click on a story titled “Sex toys for seniors,” you get what you deserve.
* Women who pay too much attention to their performance during sex could be inhibiting sexual desire — and that lack of desire increases self-consciousness. So chill, ladies. And if you want to feel better about your performance, call up a fumbling novice like me. By comparison, you’ll seem like Jenna Jameson.
* Octo-Mom’s publicist quit and called her “nuts.” What was your first clue?
* 37% of Americans have never moved away from their original hometowns. I find this incredibly depressing.
* Who wants to buy Bill Clinton’s iPod filled with sucky songs? Seriously. Not a winner in the bunch. (We let this man lead us for 8 years? With this playlist?)
* Elsewhere on the Clinton beat, Hillary spent the weekend totally failing at diplomacy. Not the least among her gaffes, giving her Russian counterpart a button supposedly labeled “reset.” Actually, it was the Russian word for “overcharged.” If we wanted someone to traipse around the world and make us look like total morons, we would have changed the Constitution to allow the previous administration to stay on.
* If Barbie were life-sized she would lack the 17-22% body fat required for a woman to menstruate. Would this matter, seeing as how she has no vagina?
* Note to those of you who are not funny: Stop trying to be funny. You are failing. Everybody knows it. That glassy-eyed silence you encounter when you attempt a “joke?” That’s how you know you’re not funny. You have a better chance at getting a laugh by being totally serious and straightforward. Also, people will hate you less.
* America has 11% fewer Christians today than a generation ago. Probably because after “The Dark Knight” was passed over for a Best Picture nomination, they became convinced God must not exist.
* I caught “Watchmen” on Friday night. Very violent. Very long. One of the most awkward sex scenes ever. I’d say all the action scenes worked better in the movie than the book. But a lot of the characters’ motivations were clearer in the original graphic novel. I liked it, but didn’t love it. Still, it came as close to capturing the book as you could ever get in a film. $10.50 well spent.
* Dora the Explorer is getting a makeover. She’s essentially moving to middle school. We’ve only seen the silhouette of her new figure; the full version debuts in the fall. But the new Dora has longer hair and a miniskirt. Quite the upgrade from her stupid bowl cut and cartoon gut. (Seriously. Half the pictures of the current version show a beer gut hanging out below her T-shirt.) If the new Dora is anything like the girls I went to middle school with, the only thing she’ll be “exploring” is new ways to reject the funny, intelligent guys at the Christmas dance.
* Optimists live longer, healthier lives. I find this hard to believe. An optimist is someone who doesn’t wear a seat belt because they believe they’ll never be in an accident, and if they are, they believe they’ll land on a teddy bear-shaped cloud made of chocolate and wishes and dreams.
* Welcome to the New Economy™, where 700 people apply for a high school janitor job. (Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Applicant: “Standing over vomit with a handful of sawdust, wondering where my life went wrong.”)
* People are e-mailing news organizations pleading for an end to the bad news. Look, folks. We don’t make the news. We just report it. Thousands of people lose their jobs every month. We’ve all seen our investments lose half their worth. Shockingly handsome news producers are stillsingle despite flaunting their absurdly honed senses of humor on blogs every day.
Do you really want to hear about some guy who rescued a puppy from a gutter? Seriously? You’d rather hear about Gutter Puppy than your fellow humans being pushed to the brink? I mean, if you want to be ill-informed about the world at large, that’s your right. And that’s why we have Fox News Channel.