* There’s a woman who calls Rob’s phone all the time and leaves nasty messages about how much she hates us. Today, we ran one of her voicemails on the air and we got a tremendous response…
“Regarding the caller who said Rob Elgas is an idiot, get a life, lady. She’s the idiot – if she’s that offended, why does she keep watching?”
“Yes, You both are complete idiots! You are not funny and too politically opinionated. My wife and I only watch your broadcast to see Andy, who is not an idiot. You are the only local news on at 4:30 and we turn you off promptly at 5 am to watch WGN. We only wish Andy would join them.”
“I love the chemistry between Rob and Zoraida. As a matter-of-fact, I hate when either one of them are on vacation. This is the only station I will watch in the morning. And for the woman who called in complaining about the pair, she’s probably just jealous because Zoraida is pretty and I’m sure that lady isn’t.”
“Rob Elgas is bright, energetic, and refreshing. Zoraida Sambolin is a little bit of a stick in the mud but tolerable. Love Andy of course.”
“Why doesn’t someone explain to the caller she has this button on her remote that can change the channel if she is unhappy?”
“This is the first time I saw ZERODI SAMBO with no confident. She cant take anything negative about her she showed how unstable she is she is just a little girl ! SAMBO grow up !!!! Your not as hot as you thing you are !!”
We got dozens more e-mails. Most very positive. Zoraida, predictably, was upset that we wanted to do this. But hey, we got a bunch of e-mails telling us how awesome we are. That’s worth 23 seconds of tongue-lashing from a bitter old witch.
I don’t know anything about this woman. She’s probably just a very nice old lady who smokes four cartons of cigarettes a day, and the intense nicotine dosage has rotted out her ovaries. Faced with the prospect of never having children, she took to raising dogs. Because of her enormous heart, she chose to raise the animals no one else would – Bolivian rage hounds. This pack of dogs would sneak out of her home at night to pick fights with other neighborhood animals, including the beloved poodles of this woman’s next door warlock. The warlock, intent on revenge against the old lady, cast a spell on her that forced her to hate all things joyful. So when the final segment of our 4:30 a.m. newscast rolls around, and we shoot humor from a fire hose, the old lady’s curse forces her to call Rob and complain. And in her spare time, she might hollow out babies for Scott Hamilton to wear as shoes, but that’s just speculation on my part.
* Those e-mails will be good for the NBC5 softball team. Having support from friends and family can improve an athlete’s performance. (Props to my dad, who often showed up just to watch me sit on the bench for 8th grade football.)
* Don’t panic, but the United States is going to collapse next year. Wait. That’s a big deal. You can panic.
* The secret to a happy marriage involves having sex three times a week, kissing four times a day, cuddling three times daily, sharing two hobbies and having at least two romantic dinners every month. Or you can be like me and enjoy the consolation prize behind Curtain #2.
* Wanna know how to answer 10 tough interview questions? When I get to be in a supervisory position, I’m gonna rig a time bomb under every applicant’s chair and start screaming, “Red wire or blue wire? Cut one! Cut one or you’re gonna die!”
* Should men cry? You’re kidding, right? Tear ducts on men are as useful as nipples.
* Things like this make me not want to travel abroad. Toilet-themed restaurants? We already have those in America. We call them Taco Bells.
* Free throw percentages haven’t changed in 50 years. Weird. I thought Shaq would’ve been enough to drive it down singlehandedly.
* Here’s what to do if you get laid off. Step 1: Buy a gun. Step 2: Get creative.
* Barack Obama wore a bulletproof suit at the inauguration. And he can shoot lightning from his fingertips.
* A week from Monday, I think we’re gonna launch the blog on the Mothership. Don’t worry. I’ll leave a link behind so you don’t get lost. Next week is going to be a little crazy, since I have to spend two days off this shift for training purposes, so you may only get a blog Monday, Tuesday and Friday. That Friday blog might be up in the air, since I will have been awake 24 hours by the time my shift ends that morning. I will do what I can, friends.