* Today is 3/3/09. That’s a Square Root Day. They only occur nine times a century – about as often as I can talk to a woman without her Macing me.
* I woke to the sound of a jackhammer yesterday around 1 p.m. It continued to drone for at least nine hours. What the heck is going on outside my building? Unless someone’s digging for the Ark of the Covenant, I don’t know what’s so important that a crew would be drilling in the dead of winter.
* Today Zoraida called me a “selfish slut.” I’m having business cards printed tomorrow.
* How do we feel about the word “meh”? I’m a fan. It expresses indifference pretty darn well. Some people are not fans.
* Is it possible to learn to be naked without shame? Scientists think so. But I’m gonna say a lot of people deserve to be ashamed of their bodies. Not everyone can have the physique of Andy Avalos. (Bonus: click the video on that link to see whether women prefer shaved or hairy chests. Ladies, weigh in with a comment.)
* What’s up with dudes wearing tight pants? I cannot. For one, the anaconda refuses to be smothered. Secondly, I have massive, womanly thighs that will not fit in such Jagger slacks.
* Remember my hero’s quest to eat nothing but bacon for the entirety of February? The final day brought this shocking development…
* Don’t update your Facebook status to let everyone know how boring work is. You will be fired for it.
* This morning I had the unfortunate experience of standing between three women discussing their respective experiences with childbirth – specifically where they got stitches. I am typing this in the fetal position.
* A story sure to hit home with those pot heads from last week: A guy trying to calm his cat shoved it inside his bong. Upon emerging, the cat asked (with poor grammar) for a cheeseburger.
* Spastic kindergartners grow up to be gamblers. When I went to Gull Road Elementary, most of my class was huge into Russian Roulette. I lost friends, but I won a bundle.
* If you rename vegetables something exciting, kids are more apt to eat them. Kinda like how “Detroit Lions” sounds more exciting than “Group of Weak, Clumsy Men.”
But 100% of them would give up everything to watch David Hasselhoff sing “Hooked on a Feeling” in person.
* Enjoy 5 mistakes job seekers make. The biggest mistake is the same one I make when seeking a date: Hope. Don’t bother.
* God’s telephone number in the Netherlands is +316-4424-4901. Why does an omnipresent being require voicemail?
* From the Stuff I Never Knew Department… You can’t recycle a pizza box if it has cheese or grease on it. But if you get a pizza and the grease hasn’t infiltrated the cardboard, I don’t know why you’d even bother eating that garbage.
And speaking of grease, I need to say that the most annoying thing a human can do is to dab a napkin on their pizza. Eat the grease. Eat it. Even if it shaves a day off your life with every slice. Eat the pizza, you big jerk.