Bong Cat

* Today is 3/3/09.  That’s a Square Root Day. They only occur nine times a century – about as often as I can talk to a woman without her Macing me.

lostarkmed1* I woke to the sound of a jackhammer yesterday around 1 p.m.  It continued to drone for at least nine hours.  What the heck is going on outside my building?  Unless someone’s digging for the Ark of the Covenant, I don’t know what’s so important that a crew would be drilling in the dead of winter.

* Today Zoraida called me a “selfish slut.”  I’m having business cards printed tomorrow.

* Get elected, defraud your state, get tossed from office… and land a six-figure book deal. Makin’ money the Blago way.  (Previously: Blago rap.)

* How do we feel about the word “meh”?  I’m a fan.  It expresses indifference pretty darn well.  Some people are not fans.

adameve1* Is it possible to learn to be naked without shame? Scientists think so.  But I’m gonna say a lot of people deserve to be ashamed of their bodies.  Not everyone can have the physique of Andy Avalos.  (Bonus: click the video on that link to see whether women prefer shaved or hairy chests.  Ladies, weigh in with a comment.)

* What’s up with dudes wearing tight pants? I cannot.  For one, the anaconda refuses to be smothered.  Secondly, I have massive, womanly thighs that will not fit in such Jagger slacks.

* Remember my hero’s quest to eat nothing but bacon for the entirety of February?  The final day brought this shocking development…

* Don’t update your Facebook status to let everyone know how boring work is.  You will be fired for it.

* This morning I had the unfortunate experience of standing between three women discussing their respective experiences with childbirth – specifically where they got stitches.  I am typing this in the fetal position.

* A story sure to hit home with those pot heads from last week: A guy trying to calm his cat shoved it inside his bong. Upon emerging, the cat asked (with poor grammar) for a cheeseburger.

kennyrogerspicture* Spastic kindergartners grow up to be gamblers. When I went to Gull Road Elementary, most of my class was huge into Russian Roulette.  I lost friends, but I won a bundle.

* If you rename vegetables something exciting, kids are more apt to eat them. Kinda like how “Detroit Lions” sounds more exciting than “Group of Weak, Clumsy Men.”

* Young German people would choose their cell phones or internet access over their cars or romantic partners.

But 100% of them would give up everything to watch David Hasselhoff sing “Hooked on a Feeling” in person.

* Enjoy 5 mistakes job seekers make. The biggest mistake is the same one I make when seeking a date: Hope.  Don’t bother.

god* God’s telephone number in the Netherlands is +316-4424-4901.  Why does an omnipresent being require voicemail?

* From the Stuff I Never Knew Department… You can’t recycle a pizza box if it has cheese or grease on it. But if you get a pizza and the grease hasn’t infiltrated the cardboard, I don’t know why you’d even bother eating that garbage.

And speaking of grease, I need to say that the most annoying thing a human can do is to dab a napkin on their pizza.  Eat the grease.  Eat it.  Even if it shaves a day off your life with every slice.  Eat the pizza, you big jerk.


5 responses to “Bong Cat

  1. Best line of the day,”Anaconda refuses to be smothered.” Well done

  2. I love everything about this post. It tickled me right today.

    As far as chest hair goes, I suppose a shaved chest would look nice, but wouldn’t the hair grow back eventually? Do men who shave their chests get chest hair stubble? That would be uncomfortable in certain situations for a number of people. I’ll stick to au natural, por favor.

  3. I agree with Carly when it comes to chest hair – “au natural”.

    I had a comment with regards to the “anaconda refusing to be smothered” but I’m afraid I could get banned from the blog. LOL

  4. radiofreewill

    On a related note to the facebook story, don’t post your thoughts about the man you work for on a MySpace blog. Especially if you work for the mayor of Toledo.

    (Video from local NBC affiliate)

  5. What is even better is getting your dog stoned and watching it. Never done it but had friends that did.

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