* Zoraida to me this morning: “You are officially boring. What the hell is wrong with you?”
* I have kind of a delicate matter to discuss. It’s been bothering me for a while. So I think it’s time someone spoke up…
It’s about the insane amount of hair that ends up on the NBC5 urinals.
I am not accusing any one person. It could be several. In fact, it could be the remnants of guests to our office. But every day, there are at least two thick strands on each urinal. That’s kind of a lot.
First, I question how much these men are unsheathing from their pants. Depending on your choice of undergarment, you don’t really need to bring all the bits and pieces out to relieve yourself. Are these guys just airing it out? Is there stretching involved? I wonder how much activity is required to dislodge a hair from its follicle.
Second, these hairs are pretty long. Like, unnecessarily long. Do the ladies in their lives appreciate such man-shag? Are they attempting to camouflage their parts? Are they just really big fans of Fidel Castro, but too timid to grow a tribute beard on their faces? As children, were they enchanted by the story of Rapunzel? Is there some sort of aversion to manscaping the undercarriage?
Third, if you somehow wrestled a hair from its home, wouldn’t you direct your stream to push it discreetly toward the flush zone? Or do you find pride in your curly contribution, content to leave it there for all future witnesses as a sort of pubic time capsule?
I understand these things will happen from time to time. Maybe there’s a similar issue in the ladies’ room. But it’s just disheartening when I make a pit stop in the mornings to find “Cousin It” staring back at me.
Let us never speak of this again.
* Octo-Mom is offered a million bucks to star in a porno. For some reason, all I can envision is someone playing the triangle.
* Sweet merciful Lord. The Snuggie Pub Crawl is getting mainstream media attention. Part of me hopes this will get out of control so the police will have to open up with the fire hose.
* Apparently you could sorta, kinda, barely see part of Beyonce’s nipple during the Oscars. Titillating.
* The musical “Chicago” has taken over “Wicked’s” old theater. I considered going until I remembered seeing the movie version. When Richard Gere plopped Rene Zellweger on his lap to do that ventriloquist song, I nearly walked out. I was there with a friend. And I almost walked out and left her there alone. It was so over-the-top cheesy, it was offensive to me as a man.
* Fifth-graders who work the most at jobs such as baby-sitting and newspaper routes are the most likely to smoke, drink and get into fights. Man, it’s rough to hear so many fifth graders are cooler than me.
* People are pitching a fit because the First Lady wore a sleeveless dress to her husband’s national address this week. Honestly? Whose life is that empty? (Besides the people who write 214 words about marijuana, then send them to a TV station.)
* I didn’t see Bobby Jindal’s GOP response to Obama’s speech, but apparently it was totally awful. Some people are comparing it to Kenneth the page from “30 Rock.” Was it really that bad? Now I want to see it.
Okay, now I’ve seen it. It is pretty bad.
* Enjoy the 99 greatest things in internet history. (Yes, “Boom goes the dynamite” makes the cut.)
* Don’t you hate it when you get a sex change operation and then you realize you made a mistake, so you get another operation to go back to your original gender? Yeah, I hate that.