Pizza, Ponies, and a Death Ray

* In a fit of boredom this weekend, I joined Twitter.  Enjoy my pointless mini-posts here.

* As previously mentioned, I missed the Oscars for the first time in a very, very long time.  (I think I had a 17-year viewing streak.)  I will watch them today and live-blog the ceremony as I go.  It’ll be up far too late for anyone to care tomorrow, but it’s a fun way to memorialize the event.

wrestler_xl_01-film-aUnfortunately, I’ve had nearly all the results spoiled for me.  The only (minor) surprise is Sean Penn defeating Mickey Rourke.  Penn already had an Oscar, so Rourke seemed more of the favorite.  Of the big nominees, I’ve only seen “Frost/Nixon.”  I mean to see “The Wrestler” this weekend, but every time I looked out my window, the ferocious wind rattling the glass made me rethink that plan.

I spent Oscar night at the iO Theater with my dear Whiskey Rebellion.  To improvise, we asked for a movie suggestion.  We got “Titanic.”  This kicked off a show featuring several other Academy Award influences…

deerAt one point, we somehow steered into a Russian roulette scene, a la “The Deer Hunter.”  (I proclaimed it Best Picture 1974, but I was four years off on my guess.)  And later, we had a “Lord of the Rings”-related scene.  We also featured a scene with a queen, perhaps a subconscious nod to the 2006 Oscar winner “The Queen.”  Or maybe I was channeling Cate Blanchett from 1998’s “Elizabeth”… and she was in the “Lord of the Rings”… and now the entire performance is folding in on itself and my brain hurts.

Guess you had to be there.  And you weren’t.  I will remember that in my own Oscar acceptance speech.  Mark my words.

* Speaking of the Oscars, you helped our girl Jill choose the blue dress.  Thank God.

Waiting for a better image, but it's Fox News, so their graphics department is busy making giant posters of Bill O'Reilly's head...

Waiting for a better image, but it's Fox News, so their graphics department is busy making giant posters of Bill O'Reilly's head...

* One big triumph this weekend was my first attempt at making a baked potato.  I don’t know why it never occurred to me before.  I love potatoes and I love heat.  To make sure I nailed it, I searched the internet for a recipe, and this one, dear reader, is golden goodness.

* I have watched “The Matrix” three times.  Two of the three times (including the first viewing in a theater), I’ve fallen asleep moments before Joe Pantoliano eats the steak and makes the bargain with Agent Smith.  That movie is 25% awesome fight scenes and 75% whispering ominously.  While watching this weekend, I supplemented the movie with the Rifftrax commentary.  Choice riff: “This movie is all fluids and openings.”

* Today was another brutal slog to fill the show.  Not a lot of news out there these days.  To kill time, I found this website, where you can submit your ideas on how Illinois should spend its $9 billion in stimulus cash.  And because I was still short on time, I followed that story with the following script…

ponyIf the state is looking for ways to spend $9 billion, we’re here to help.  In an informal poll of our newsroom, 58% of our producers want “the best pizza party ever.”  41% want $9 billion worth of ponies.  And 1% wants a death ray mounted atop the state capitol.”

Upon her initial read of that story, Zoraida sent me this message: “What is death ray?”

And that’s when I knew it would be a long morning.

* British Columbia, Canada has the world’s best tap water. You will never need that information.  Ever.

* Jamaica radio bans songs with references to sex and violence. There goes everything written over the last 20 years…

* US Airways will no longer charge you for that soda. That reminds me, the price of gas is cheaper yet we’re still paying to check our bags.  How nice for the airlines to enjoy that extra money we would otherwise use on food or medicine.
* An 86-year-old woman just got a $1,000 bill for phone sex. Grandma, no!

* Am I the only one who gets freaked out by those stories that predict global war over climate change?  Whenever I see those things, I start panicking and wondering how I’ll survive.  I mean, I’m a writer.  What good am I going to be when my job becomes “using a machete to defend my underground bunker from intruders.”

* “[The lawyer] told jurors in his closing argument that Cuevas’ bride was abusing his genitals.”  Isn’t that the idea?

* Detroit is the second emptiest city in America.  The stench of the Lions’ last season is causing the locals to run for their lives.

* Are mixed-race children better adjusted? I don’t know.  But I do know that Tiger Woods’ newborn is immediately far richer than me.

* Annoying Mailbag Comment! Robin writes…

“Art just said that Obama is back on American soil this morning. HE WAS IN CANADA! Last I heard Canada was still in America”

north_america_satellite_globeDear Robin, cram it.  What do you call people from Canada?  (Canadians.)  What do you call people from Mexico?  (Mexicans.)  What do you call people from the United States?  (Insert Robin’s made-up word while the rest of us go with “Americans.”)  Yes, the United States is in North America.  So are Canada and Mexico.  Here’s a cookie.  Now go back to your Big Book of Brain Teasers and try to figure out where you bury the survivors of a plane crash on the United States/Canada border.

I mean, if I wanted to be equally anal, I’d point out that you didn’t conclude your last sentence with a period.  But correcting people’s grammar and punctuation isn’t the only thing that brings joy to my otherwise short-sighted, awful life.  Be gone, troll.


5 responses to “Pizza, Ponies, and a Death Ray

  1. ps………In the ground?

  2. Ehh.. I’m partial to calling people “goblins.”
    That would’ve been funnier

  3. “try to figure out where you bury the survivors of a plane crash on the United States/Canada border.”

    Ummm…I would hope nowhere. Who buries SURVIVORS???

  4. i’m so glad you finally caved and joined twitter.

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