Bigger than Jesus

* What a week.  Thank God it’s over.

* Your attendance is required Sunday night at the iO Theater.  Whiskey Rebellion rides at 8.

oscar-statueBecause I will be performing that night, I’m going to miss the Oscars for the first time in a very long time.  This initially upset me, but then I remembered I’ve only seen one of the Best Picture nominees, and I really don’t give a damn about most of the movies up for awards.  We all know Heath Ledger will win.  “WALL-E” will rightly demolish the Best Animated Feature category.  Beyond that, I don’t think I care what movie wins.  I never thought I’d say that, but the Academy did a phenomenal job picking lame movies to nominate this year.  Plus, Hugh Jackman as host?  This ain’t the Tonys.  Unless he does the whole show with his Wolverine claws out, I don’t think I’ll care.

Flashback: “Barely Today” on the Oscars two years ago…

That’s the same Jill Dobson who’s actually covering the Academy Awards for Fox News this year.  (Scroll down to yesterday’s blog to help her pick the dress she’ll wear on the red carpet.)  What a difference two years makes, for all of us.

* So a Chicago alderman wants to add countdown clocks to traffic lights so people know when they’re about to turn red. 

trafficlightDon’t we already have something like that?  It’s called a yellow light.  Apparently people are slamming on the brakes to avoid a ticket from a red light camera, and this leads to accidents.  But this is what the city reaps for adding the red light cameras in the first place.  You’ll get more ticket revenue, but you’ll also make people super-paranoid about intersections.  And the answer is to install countdown clocks?  How much is that gonna cost us?  It’d be cheaper to ditch the red light cameras altogether.  Or maybe we can pay for robot chauffeurs. 

Welcome to Chicago, where the most expensive solution is always the right one.

* Barack Obama has overtaken Jesus Christ in a poll of our heroes.  Understandable.  One died for our sins, the other is bailing us out of those awful mortgages we fell for.  (In a separate poll, Barabbas beat out John McCain…)

* Wanna see someone flip his lid over the bailout package?  This is awesome…

* Adventures in Cliché:  Last night we had a script with the phrase, “73 years young.”  I hate that.  When you’re 73, you’re old.  Your bones creak.  You smell like grandma’s basement.  You are not young.  We shouldn’t say you are.  Unless that’s sarcasm.  Then it would be fine.  Otherwise, we should say something more realistic, like, “moments away from death.”

* Texas may let hunters shoot pigs from helicopters.  Just as Mother Nature intended.

* All week, I’ve been lamenting the slow news cycle.  Don’t believe me?  “Nightline” just did a story on man boobs.

* When you see a girl you like, follow these simple steps:

buffalo-bill1.  Brush against her.
2.  When she moves away from you, brush against her again.
3.  Ignore her when she screams for you to stop.
4.  Ask her to marry you.
5.  Threaten to kill her if she won’t say yes.
6.  Throw acid in her face.

But after all that happens, don’t be surprised if the girl wants to get you back by throwing acid in your face, too.  Ain’t love grand?

* When you’re not throwing acid in your lover’s face, here’s how to know who should pay for your date.

* Science states the obvious: Men see scantily-clad women as objects.  And just like every object I’ve ever encountered, they refuse to make out with me.

* Depressing: You can now buy a share of New York Times stock for less than the cost of a Sunday New York Times.

* Perhaps not coincidentally, the Times recently ran this article on how to write a cover letter.  Sounds like their writers have a lot of practice…

One response to “Bigger than Jesus

  1. Hey Ben…..don’t lump me in with all those morons who bought mortgages they couldn’t afford….There’s alot of us who played by the rules… we have to bail out the dumbass’s of the world

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