* Whiskey Rebellion performs tonight at 8! It’s right next to Wrigley Field. If you do not attend, we cannot be friends.
* Today Natalie Martinez got pulled over by a cop on her way to work. What an awesome way to start your day at 4 in the morning!
* My friend Jill is an entertainment reporter for Fox News. She needs your help picking a dress to wear to the Oscars. See her model the contenders here. And then go here to cast your vote! Jill could look amazing in a burlap sack, but that green dress is awful. I voted for the blue one, although the gold one was also pretty.
* Got some extra money lying around? Pimp this bum! (You can buy him laser hair removal for $130, but do you get to decide which hair is removed?)
* Yesterday, while lifting weights (picture it, ladies), I think I suffered an aneurysm. I’ve had a stabbing headache for 12 hours. It didn’t help matters when I came in to the newsroom and the fumes of some sort of paint wafted in from the lobby. Highlander Producer Carol threw me some Advil. It has allowed me to rejoin the realm of the living. But since I’m pretty sure I blew a blood vessel in my brain, I will probably be dead by the weekend. Just in case the blog goes dark all of a sudden…
* Zoraida’s Fan Mail!
I SAW THE NEWSCAST THE OTHER MORNING RE’ YOU AND ROB’S FITNESS CHALLENGE. FIRST OF ALL I MUST SAY I THINK YOU HAVE THE MOST GORGEOUS LEGS IN TV NEWS (o;
SECOND I’M A POLICE OFFICER AND I REALLY NEED TO GET INTO SHAPE. I HAVE HAD FIGHTS WITH PEOPLE 20 PLUS YEARS MY JUNIOR (I’M 46) AND IT’S IN SITUATIONS LIKE THAT I REALIZE I CAN’T RELY ON YOUTH TO WIN THOSE BATTLES.
TOWARDS THE END OF THE SEGMENT WHEN YOU WERE HOLDING THOSE 3 TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS YOU HAD WON FROM ROB, I CHUCKLED IT REMINDED ME WHEN I WOULD GO TO STRIP CLUBS AND THE GOING RATE WAS $55.00 FOR THREE DANCES AND I WOULD ALWAYS TIP THE GIRLS $5.00 FOR A TOTAL OF $60.00 AND THEY WOULD HOLD UP THOSE 3 $20.00 BILLS AND SMILE.
I have noticed that you seem to have anger issues with men. It seems like you hit Rob, or as you did today, Art at various points during each broadcast. These blows are delivered with fists, open hand or with any item that can be used as a weapon that is near, usually a piece of processed wood (paper).
I suggest that you seek anger management before this problem manifests itself into full blown “Anchor Rage”. This problem appears to be systemic at NBC as Katie displayed similar behavior when she was on The Today Show and now Meredith displays the same violence toward men, often striking Matt in the same manner that you assault Rob.
I’m suspect Rob was absent today because he is discreetly seeking counseling for “AMA Syndrome” (Abused Male Anchor) which due to gender bias by the medical profession is not covered by his health insurance. NOAM (The National Organization of Abused Men) have established an emergency fund to help defray the cost of his therapy.
– Kirkland Burke
I totally agree. Z usually punches or slaps me as she walks past my desk. I think she just harbors some fantasy that I’ll fly into a rage and Hulk out, ripping my shirt to shreds and unveiling the “guns” she’s so fond of.
* The brains of lonely people work differently. But since they’re alone, no one knows it. And no one cares.
* Praise can be bad for kids. I am unfamiliar with the concept of “praise.” Was that like when my mom threw me in the cockfighting pits and kept screaming for me to “grab the wings! GRAB THE WINGS!”?
* Teens who skip breakfast as middle school students tend to have sex at an earlier age. Those who find their mothers annoying also do the deed earlier. Not true. My mom was incredibly annoying and I’m still in mint condition. Wow. Talk about your lose-lose situations.
* 2/3 teens would give up sex over their iPods. In my day, I had a Walkman and celibacy to keep me company. At least I have the iPod now…
* Men’s favorite sin? Lust. Women’s? Pride. My favorite sin? Um. Is “action figures” a sin? (I do live a thrilling life.)
* This site is keeping track of President Obama’s promises – those broken and those kept. Sheez. I wonder if a wife would use similar methods keep track of my record on wedding vows…
* Indian infant marries dog to prevent tiger attacks. Who do we have to marry to what to stop my stock portfolio from collapsing any further?
* If at first you don’t succeed at marriage, try, try, try (23 times) again. Nice track record, lady.
* I was thrilled this morning to see that we have a package on my previously blogged-about hero, Mike Nelson, eating nothing but bacon for a month.
Click here for the compelling video! (I love his take on vegetables.)
We ran two soundbites from that story and gave a thorough and thoughtful analysis during my show. At the end, Zoraida flipped out and whined about how we’d just spent “three minutes” on Mike’s bacon challenge. When I got out of the booth, I found this e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org…
Zoraida I believe you were a bit harsh on Mr. Bowman this morning. Look at all he does! He deserves his 3 minutes of indulgence in the stories he thinks Chicago should hear. I mean, at least he’s doing things like that and not turning off your teleprompter or anything.
– Carly Casper
So immediately, I’m thrilled. Finally someone intelligent is sticking up for quality bacon journalism. (Most of the e-mails sent to the station are whiny and lame.) But Zoraida has the audacity to insinuate that Carly Casper is really me.
First of all, Carly’s e-mail came just three minutes after Zoraida made the comment. During that time, I was walking out of the control room and grazing on the chocolate flowers at Natalie’s desk that she didn’t want. I certainly didn’t have time to log on to Gmail, create an account, write an e-mail and send it in. The e-mail arrived before I sat down at my desk. Zoraida’s guess? She thinks I previously created this account for “anonymous moments.”
Right. I created an alter ego e-mail address, then just waited for Z to slam me on the air. Then I ran out of the booth, sat down without anyone seeing me, logged on to Gmail, wrote that letter and e-mailed it in. To what end? TO WHAT END?
That clinches it. Tomorrow I really AM running the 3-minute bacon package in its entirety. Remember, I’m the guy who put the anchors through the torture of a singing Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner. If Z won’t get on board the Awesome Train, it will run her over.