* Tension in the newsroom may be running at an all-time high. I see fellow producers sharpening telephone handsets into shanks. I see reporters creating flails from their scarves and coffee mugs. I see editors constructing some sort of trebuchet from keyboards and computer monitors. War is imminent.
* The Trib is calling for the resignation of national punchline Roland Burris. I grow weary of his shenanigans. Can’t we just install a trap door under every elected official’s seat?
* I need some good news to cheer me up. Any help, Alan Greenspan? What’s that? We face the worst recession since the 1930s? Thanks for nothin’, jerk.
* Time Magazine analyzes why the stock market keeps falling. Isn’t it obvious? We have angered God by stealing his ShamWow technology.
* Ugh, is there NO good news? Maybe this: loneliness is just as bad for you as smoking. I’ve always wanted to have the ill effects of smoking without the hassle and the cost. Now I can, thanks to my complete and total aversion to my fellow humans. Work your magic, loneliness. I need a ticket off this rock.
* On the bright side, Amy Fisher is now a stripper. I’m using the term “bright side” loosely. Today is a pit of despair.
* Future stripper, teen mother and 2008 campaign issue Bristol Palin suggests that abstinence is unrealistic for teens. Oh, it’s realistic alright. Sometimes it lasts into your twenties… and thirties… maybe longer. I’m not holding my breath.
* Sorry, Hitler fans. Turns out he had “shocking” table manners and frequent flatulence. Some guys just can’t catch a break.
* Women with large chins are more likely to cheat, have trouble fitting their heads through T-shirts.
* Who created Chicago’s first deep dish pizza? I coulda sworn it was one of the 12 labors of Hercules.
* I stopped by Walgreens yesterday, only to see a stunning array of Obama souvenirs. It threw me initially until I realized lots of tourists are probably coming here because of our South Sider-in-Chief. So now we’re seeing the kind of tchotchkes usually reserved for kiosks in D.C. Turns out the biggest Obama depot is the Walgreens in his home ‘hood of Hyde Park. Remember, he’s not just a politician, he’s a fashion statement!
* Time for another entry in the Kanye West Has Lost His Damn Mind File™: A young Kanye made a Super Mario Brothers-esque game starring a giant penis.
* Things we apparently need: A device allowing women to urinate while standing up.
Things I never want to hear about again: That.
* Some girls just won’t respond when you kidnap them, handcuff them, put them in an adult diaper, attempt to smother them and read Bible verses to them. But there are plenty of fish in the sea. Try again, friend.
* A child who has a strong relationship with their mom during preschool years tends to form closer friendships in grade school. I wonder if I can trace my lack of friendships to the fact that Mom used to abandon me in Toddler Cockfighting rings.
* Most Americans believe their dreams have meaning in real life. Not me. I just keep having the same terrible dream every night. I go in to work at a TV news station, rifle through stories and write them. Then I go home and cry myself to sleep. It is a horrific recurring nightmare. Thankfully, I wake up each day to a new and exciting adventure as a part-time unicorn wrangler and leprechaun bounty hunter.
* Now, the best 11 songs to pump iron to. I just listen to my collection of date rejection voicemails. The gym owners have asked me to stop using their barbells since I just throw them at the mirrors and scream.