* For regular blog readers, observe that I was able to crank out a blog on Friday. If you missed it, today is a lovely double bonus. Scroll down for a belated Valentine’s gift.
* Unsolicited comment from Zoraida this morning…
You have a hot bod. Well… upper bod. I have not seen the legs.
Um. Thank you?
* Did you hear about the 13-year-old British boy who just became a father? Madness. The kid knocked up his girlfriend when he was just 12. In an interview, the boy admitted he didn’t know what the word “financially” meant and acknowledged he doesn’t even get an allowance. And he has eight siblings of his own.
Thoughts on the 13-year-old father…
1) We must keep him away from Britney and Jamie Lynn.
2) We REALLY have to keep him away from Octo-Mom.
3) On second thought, the best idea is just to trap him and his mega-penis in The Phantom Zone, like the villains at the beginning of the 1978 “Superman” movie.
The mother of the newborn is just 14. Her parents let the boyfriend spend the night with her. Everyone involved in this story needs a severe slapping.
* Turns out Octo-Mom hasn’t done the deed in 8 years and now she’s taking a vow of chastity. Yes, now that a certain part of her anatomy “hangs like sleeve of wizard,” as Borat would say.
* Staying with the Presidential theme, I saw “Frost/Nixon” over the weekend. Very good stuff. A truly compelling portrait of Nixon. You find yourself rooting against him until he breaks. And then you feel very, very sad for this man. I’m not sure how much of it is true and how much is fictionalized, but I do know that I really liked it. (Not quite “Best Picture” material, but very solid.)
* For those of you who are looking for the perfect companion to your Barack Obama T-shirt, Barack Obama sweatpants, Barack Obama tattoo and Barack Obama flip-flops, the state of Illinois introduces… the Barack Obama license plate. (He’s not a political leader, he’s a fashion statement.)
* The First Family enjoyed Valentine’s dinner in my neighborhood. I’m not gonna lie. I’m kinda hurt I wasn’t invited.
* I bet you’re wondering how I spent Valentine’s Day. I watched TV and used a gift card that I’d been sitting on for more than two years. (Items purchased: 1 shirt, 1 pair of jeans.) Then I watched more TV. It was very romantic.
* Speaking of romance, props to Chicagoist for finding this hilarious “seduction” video. There’s a good 5 seconds that verges on soft-core porn, but the rest is comedy gold. (Pay particular attention to the man standing between the two women who say they love a well-dressed man. More obvious juxtaposition has never occurred.)
* If you can’t just start pawing your partner in a restaurant like those weirdos, consider scheduling sex. Most men already do that. They just circle every day on their calendar and cross their fingers.
* 43.1% of Americans expected to have sex on Valentine’s Day. At least me percent is still waiting.
* Things are fun for our sister station in Tampa, where all the producers were asked to sign letters acknowledging that they just got canned. I heard an unsubstantiated claim today that you could buy the entire Sun-Times organization for $7 million. But the operation needs to trim $75 million just to break even.
I’m not sure when it happened, but I think journalism died during the last decade.
* Would you take a pill that erases bad memories? I’d need a prescription wiping out everything from 9th grade on.
* Chicago’s workforce is twice as likely to manage stress with booze. Fun fact: I am drunk right now. I don’t start writing my show each morning until I get so hammered I see unicorns.
* If you are upset about something, scientists say you’ll feel better if you write it down. Worked for Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.”
* One of my heroes, Mike Nelson (former star of “Mystery Science Theater 3000”), is eating nothing but bacon for the entirety of February. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be more in awe of him. I am proven wrong. Eat that bacon, Mike. Eat it for all of us who have neither the guts nor the reckless hatred of our bodies to do so.
* This article gives a surprisingly detailed breakdown of the online dating game. Here’s how it works as I understand it:
Step 1: Create a profile.
Step 2: Pay a subscription fee.
Step 3: Browse other profiles.
Step 4: Communicate.
Step 5: Meet in person.
Step 6: Get rejected.
I find it’s much more effective just to skip straight to step six without the hassle of paying for the privilege.
* Chicagoist pens an open letter to Christina Raines, a.k.a. Drew Peterson’s main squeeze, a.k.a. “Death Wish Sally,” a.k.a. Victim #3 (ALLEGEDLY!)
* Should women rule the world? Don’t they already?
* Roommate #1: “Hey, you took my parking space!”
Roommate #2: (Bites off roommate’s earlobe.)
* The thing men most want in a woman is “mutual attraction and love.” Their least desirable characteristic? Chastity. So whore it up, ladies! Most guys won’t care about your tryst with walking herpes sore Bret Michaels on the “Rock of Love Bus.”
* Are hugs the new handshakes? Based on my dating history since I moved to Chicago, being maced in the face is the new handshake.
* Science breaks down why we fear serial killers wearing masks. This provides an opportunity to bust out an old favorite…