* Looks like there may not be a blog tomorrow, kiddies. Hands must be held at the car show and I drew the short straw.
* The first photo of a VERY pregnant Nadya Suleman, a.k.a. “Octomom,” a.k.a. “Clown Car” has surfaced. If you have a sensitive gag reflex, I suggest not clicking here. Good Lord. Looks like a prop from “Aliens” or something. Where’s Ripley with a flamethrower when you need her?
Not surprisingly, Suleman is now seeking online donations. I hope some of that money will go to reconstructive surgery on that hideous stomach.
* To get six-pack abs, Attention Whore Jason Dinant’s daily diet includes 16 eggs, or as Nadya Suleman calls it, “the minimum number I want implanted in my uterus.”
* CNN offers tips on how to cope if you hate your coworkers. My advice? Don’t worry. Everyone will be out of a job by the end of ’09.
* Time Magazine asks the question you’ve all been wondering: “Is my boss faking competence?” Even if he is, you probably want to keep that to yourself.
* 56% of Americans want to switch careers. The other 44% surveyed were NBA players and rock stars.
* It’s inevitable: You are going to marry your parent.
“Women who felt abandoned by their fathers are likely to choose emotionally unavailable husbands, for example, and men raised by hypercritical moms will be drawn to wives who pick on them.”
Awesome. Guess I’ll be marrying a huge wrestling fanatic who loves putting me in the figure-four leg lock. (Saturdays were “dodge the folding chair night” at the Bowman household.)
* This is stupid: a speed-dating event where all you do is stare at the opposite sex.
* Ouch. Man gets hit by two cars, then dragged for 17 miles. I’ll say it again. Ouch.
* Old and busted: Coke.
New hotness: a soft drink made from cow urine.
* Elgin Baylor, a man who ran one of the worst NBA franchises for 22 years, is suing his former team, alleging “employment discrimination.” Yeah. I’m sure Matt Millen’s going to sue for the same reason. Mr. Baylor, your team was a laughingstock for two decades because of your godawful management. Unless the Clippers’ owner was discriminating against employees who have a shred of talent by keeping you in charge, you have no case.
* Your ability to empathize may be a function of your genes. My genes make me impervious to human feelings.
* Continuing yesterday’s Muppet theme, we’ve got a cool behind-the-scenes story about “Sesame Street.” (Choice morsel: the two main songwriters were bitter rivals and one guy seethed with envy when the other guy’s “Rubber Duckie” hit the Top 20.)
* Yesterday, radio lunatic Jonathon Brandmeier was talking about the story of how Chicago is the third most miserable city in the U.S. Rather than read it himself, he just played a clip of Zoraida reading the story during my show. And then Z called up the show to chat. Brandmeier played out-of-context clips from other news stories and Z placed the blame on me. Then they discussed how the picture of me passed out on the keyboard (the same one atop this blog) is detrimental to my dating life. I’m working on posting an mp3 clip for your listening pleasure. It’s nice to know my achingly empty life is fuel for the morning radio shows of Chicago.
In case you’re wondering why that picture made the cut, Web Czar Marcus told me he wanted a bunch of pictures of me, unshaven, slumped over my desk as if too tired to function. We shot several and that one stood out to him. The rest is history.
As the blog shifts over to the mothership, the old graphics will likely go away. Enjoy them while you can.
* Speaking of the overhaul, I’ve been asked to consider a new blog name. I’ve come up with three contenders: Deadline (since I face those every day), Red Alert (on account of my hair) and Killer B (a play on my initials). Your thoughts?
* You will soon be able to take your concealed weapon to church in Arkansas. What caliber would Jesus carry?
* An Ohio teacher had a side job as a prostitute. And judging by her mugshot, another job as a part-time troll impersonator.
* 40% of Americans have dated someone they work with. And 100% of the women I work with fail to pick up the hint when I read that headline suggestively to them.
This reminds me of my favorite episode of NBC5’s Tales from the Tower. You deserve that Emmy, Ryan.