Muppets: Exposed

* Difficult day at work today.  My sleep remains erratic and easily broken.  I think I slept five hours yesterday so it was a slog this morning.  At one point, I started eating in the hope that my jaw movement would revitalize me.

uncle-sam-bruised-economyAlso, there were no terribly interesting local stories of consequence, so I had to write (and rewrite, and re-re-write) lots of economic stories.  It’s a real trick to write an interesting script about something you don’t understand or care about.  The stimulus package is so large, no one really knows what’s in it.  But it’s my job to make you care.  I think I did a good job hitting the story from multiple angles, but it requires a lot of concentration to make sure you’re not repeating facts or losing a train of thought through several similar stories.

When I’m tired, my ability to block out distractions vanishes.  So when two people started having a conversation on opposite sides of my head, I had to throw in some headphones to find clarity.  When I write, I hear the words in my head.  And when other people are lobbing words into my ears, everything gets muddy.  Ideally, I’d write in a little room all alone.  My scripts would be better.  (Impossible to fathom, I know.)

* Chicago is the 3rd most miserable American city. Obviously.  When we’re not being nickeled-and-dimed (and ten dollar billed), we’re leaning into the wind and praying for competency from our sports teams while fearing the rampant, unchecked power of our corrupt elected officials.

* Teens spend an average of 31 hours online; two of those hours are dedicated to porn. But that’s on average.  You’ve got to figure girls aren’t looking up all that nudity, so the average boy is getting in four hours of porn time.  Shocking.  That only leaves him 27 hours to read my blog!bert-and-ernie

* CNN brings us the origin stories of 20 Muppets. Shocker: Frank Oz initially hated doing Bert (of “Bert & Ernie” fame).

* Spend  your money on experiences rather than possessions.  You’ll be happier. I was going to spend my next paycheck on medicine for Grandma, but now… Moonlite Bunny Ranch, here I come!

* A Colorado school is getting rid of grade levels. Which will come in handy when none of the students ever learns enough to progress to the next one.

* And now… 5 ways to be happy in a recession. (Tip #5: When your 401K hits zero, bring a pillow when you go to shove your head in the oven. )

* The zoo near my hometown is charging $50 for people to come and watch animals “do it.” And they’ve sold out!  To be fair, this will be the most exciting thing to happen in West Michigan since Cereal City shut its doors in 2007.

* Science! People of higher socioeconomic status are more rude when conversing with others. That explains your boss.

* Want to look younger?  Put on weight. (Advice backfires in 3, 2, 1…)0607closer_blagobefore

* The Joliet JackHammers just became my favorite minor league baseball team.  Offering Rod Blagojevich a “pay to play” contract? Genius.

* Local high school paper covers stories of fast and loose sex among their peers. What could possibly go wrong?  (I think back to my high school paper and that article I wrote about classic car restoration… man, I was afflicted with Fatal Nerd Syndrome.)

* It’s happened.  The final signal of the apocalypse: Chicago’s Snuggie pub crawl. Leave your dignity at home.

* Best job ever: Miami’s Ritz-Carlton’s “tanning butler.” $15/hr to rub lotion on girls in the sun.  Gotta be a tough gig when the farmers’ daughters convention is in town.

Typical snore-inducing auto show exhibit.

Typical snore-inducing auto show exhibit.

* At one point this morning, Executive Producer Wendy told me that my name “had been floated” as someone who could help Matt Rodewald with Auto Show guests on Friday.  Wendy chose passive voice so I wouldn’t know who came up with the idea.  Smart people do this to cover their tracks.

When I said I typically spend an hour and a half to two hours on the blog, Wendy suggested I skip the blog Friday.  Can I really do that to you people?  And why does Matt need help with guests anyway?  What’s gonna be my job?  Standing there and pointing at the next person he’s supposed to talk to?  We need interns.

* I went to the auto show two years ago.  Total waste of time.  It’s just a big car lot.  Wow.  The 2010 Ford Focus looks so much different from the 2009 Ford Focus.  Take my picture with it.  Let me get its autograph.  Let me cherish this moment until I die from excitement over being in the same room as a shiny Mitsubishi Galant.

* Now I must sleep.  I must sleep for more than four hours.  Or I will grab my pillow and march to the oven.

2 responses to “Muppets: Exposed

  1. If the weather was nicer, I would print out the “How Not to Look Old” article and pass it out to the old broads on Michigan Ave carrying a “Forever 21” bag.

  2. “27 hours” I think you forgot why they are looking things up, so that would leave 26 hours, 57 minutes, according to most women I know.

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