Small Wonder: Big confusion

* I am positively punchy this morning.  I think I slept as few as three and as many as four hours yesterday.  I woke up several times for no reason.  An energy drink near 10 p.m. gave me enough juice to make it to work, but I’m feeling the hit now.  I really have to get back on some sort of consistent sleep schedule or I’m just going to end up passed out in an alley somewhere.  TV is so glamorous.

* In Taiwan, people wear suits made of firecrackers and light the fuse. Burning yourself this way wards off evil spirits.  Meanwhile, Johnny Knoxville lights a row of firecrackers connected to his reproductive organs.

van* Science suggests trusting your gut, since you may remember things you don’t know consciously. But this isn’t always true… women who trust their guts about me believe I own a windowless van and hang around playgrounds.

* When you’re upset because you never had the guts to ask your ex-lover to marry you, take the following steps…

1) Get married.
2) Have two children.
3) Ignore your actual family and write your ex’s name 10 million times.

bar_refaeli_09* Bar Refaeli is your 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl. She dates Leonardo DiCaprio.  As if I needed another reason to hate Leonardo DiCaprio…

* I was quite pleased to see Carol Marin do a story on Second City’s Rod Blagojevich musical. The guy playing Blago is Joey Bland, an old classmate of mine from the Second City Training Center.  Joey is far more successful than I am in the improv world.  But he deserves it.  After our graduation in 2002, he stayed in Chicago to hone his craft.  I remained in Kalamazoo, Michigan to work on my TV career.  What was I thinking?

* When you’ve spent a year covering the recession, new angles are hard to come by.  So why not ask if bling will vanish from hip hop?

I can only imagine the meeting where that story was assigned.  John Sutter is minding his own business when some editor looks over at him and says, “Hey, John!  I got a great angle for you.”

John: “Yeah?”

Editor: “You remember those rappers with all the gold chains?”

John: “Um.  I guess.”

Editor: “Can they afford those now?”

John: “Seriously?”

Editor: “Yeah.”

John: “Okay…”

And then John walks out of the conference room and rubs his eyes, wondering how upset his parents would be if he moved back into his old room.

* “Small Wonder” is one of the 25 worst TV shows ever. How high were the creators of that show?

You would have to ingest all the contents of Gary Busey’s medicine cabinet, sacrifice 14 Cabbage Patch dolls on an altar to Ba’al, huff paint for 24 straight hours and go back in time to punch your pregnant mother in the stomach to be screwed up enough to conceive of that train wreck.

* Sell your hair.

* Once you’re bald, you won’t need this, but here’s a list of 7 things men find romantic. I agree with three of them.  But “give him a night out with the boys”?  That’s not romantic.  That should be expected every now and then.  Why not suggest “occasional eye contact” or “avoid nagging for five minutes”?

* Who wants to see a sex ed film from 1932?  You do. Is it just me or is that guy in the striped jacket on the verge of date rape?  Easy, killer.


Sexual Wallpaper. (That's not paste...)

* “Sex is becoming our cultural wallpaper.” Speak for yourself.  Some of our walls remain hopelessly unadorned.

* Just writing that, I appear to have gotten something in my eye.  But it’s okay.  Scientists say sadness is good for you.

* Stuff you will never buy: A bath mat made of moss that stays alive off the drippings from your body.

I could stay alive off the drippings from Bar Refaeli’s body.  As long as I can get DiCaprio out of the way.  Jerk.

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