* I knew I was in for a rough day when I woke up at 8:30 p.m. That was ten and a half hours after I went to sleep. I’m not sure what to blame – the 90 minutes I spent at work yesterday, my general winter fatigue, or some sort of deadly alien virus like the one I suffered last March.
Clearly, my symptoms are not that pronounced. Maybe I’m just lazy.
* Bill Gates releases a swarm of mosquitoes at a technology conference to scare the audience into donating money to fight malaria. And then he threatened to toss scorpions at them if they kept making fun of Windows Vista.
* In the future, your breath will be recycled into fuel. Which means you’d better not anger your toddler in your flying car. He could knock you from the sky just by throwing a tantrum.
* Your sister is getting married and you’re not invited. Do you…
A) Give her a call and try to patch things up?
B) Respect her wishes and stay home?
C) Show up anyway and rip out the bride’s hair?
* The updated “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland features harmony among all the races of the world: black, white, mermaid, alien…
* Heidi Fleiss speaks very matter-of-factly about the joys of high-end hooking. (For every 10 punches on your Charlie Sheen Loyalty Card, you get a free sno-cone!)
* As I stood slathering myself with lotion after my shower yesterday… I’ll pause for you to visualize that… the thought occurred to me that I must write something about the upsetting process of mid-winter moisturizing. I’ve decided this will be my first text-based contribution to the mothership – NBCChicago.com. Expect a link when I’ve finished this masterpiece. In the meantime, I’ll let you go back to the vision of me with an oozing handful of lotion.
* Welcome to the New Economy™, where you are so desperate to get a job, you show up to your interview even after you’ve been stabbed.
* Our LeeAnn Trotter investigates the continued Snuggie phenomenon. For. The. Love. Of. God. Make it stop.
* The color red makes you pay attention to detail. Blue makes you more creative. White means you’re only renting and you don’t want to lose a security deposit by painting the walls.
* Today Zoraida had a conversation with me about how she feels the U.S. justice system doesn’t throw down harsh enough punishments. She wants evildoers to suffer “serious pain.”
I told her we have the death penalty, and you’d figure that would be a deterrent.
She advocated public executions. “They need to do something awful so we can see it and hear it and it will be a deterrent to the crime,” she said.
I truly hope her kids are well-behaved. I wouldn’t want to cross a woman like that.
* Speaking of people who need serious punishment… there’s the case of the botched abortion where the baby lived, but the clinic owner wrapped the breathing infant in a plastic bag and threw her in the trash. This article might be the most chilling thing I’ve ever read. Truly awful.
* This picture is unbearably beautiful. Reminds me of “Peter Pan.”
* Are you on Facebook? This new “25 Random Things About Me” phenomenon is out of control. The New York Times, USA Today and Time Magazine are all writing about it. The Time article is the most amusing, rattling off a list of real-life postings like…
“I have been pooped on by a monkey.”
“I eat gummy bears by tearing them limb from limb and eating their heads last.”
“I once sent a teacher into early retirement by pretending to be a cheetah and swiping at her from under a desk.”
The favorites from my friends include…
“Although I’m big and strong-looking, I’m actually a wimp. I believe I was given this size by nature as a protection mechanism. Thus, I often refer to myself as the ‘Human Puffer Fish.'”
“On the night I met my future wife, we enjoyed bad karaoke and threw candy at each other.”
“I wear socks inside out. I don’t like the seam touching my feet.”
“I videotaped two weddings for the same bride (two different grooms) within 18 months. When she asked after the second reception, ‘Wasn’t this party so much better?’, I had to lie to her.”
I have not completed a 25 things list because I think my secrets are more interesting when they stay secret. I need to keep a few juicy morsels to myself so I can fill my autobiography with previously unreleased information. Besides, who really wants to read about how my real-life arm-wrestling escapades inspired the Sylvester Stallone movie “Over the Top”?