* Rob left his first-ever blog comment yesterday. He calls me a “fair weather” Lions fan and attacks me for wearing a Steelers jersey. First of all, there is no such thing as a fair weather Lions fan, since the weather for us is always cloudy and gray with a chance of seppuku. The Lions totally suck. They lost every single game last year. Yet my first morning back after the Super Bowl, I wore my Lions hat. “New year,” I told those who laughed at me.
I love the Lions, even though they are totally dysfunctional. It’s an abusive relationship. The more I love them, the more they push me away with total suckage.
But when I close my eyes, the Lions have a strong leader under center. They have acrobatic wide receivers who deliver punishing blocks. Their running game is equal parts power and speed. Their offensive line is a brick wall. Their defense swarms to the ball and injures people. The secondary plucks the ball from the air and zips toward the end zone for six. The coach is a man of iron will, whose endless playbook always contains the right call.
When I open my eyes, there IS a team like that: The Steelers. So why not root for a team that exemplifies everything I love about football? I remember the day I fell in love with them – September 24, 1995. Referee Gordon McCarter flagged the Steelers for 12 men on the field. But there were only 11. So the Steelers coach, Bill Cowher, printed a picture of the field showing the correct number, then ran over and shoved it in McCarter’s pocket. And he screamed at him. I still want to grow up to be Bill Cowher.
The Lions are like my family. I grew up with them. I don’t know any better. I’m stuck with them until I die.
The Steelers are that hot girl you fall in love with. Alluring, dazzling… and just out of reach.
* WDIV, the NBC affiliate in Detroit, ran a crawl along the bottom of the Super Bowl whenever Matt Millen appeared. It is the most awesome thing I have ever seen.
The crawl reads, “Matt Millen was president of the Detroit Lions football team for the worst 8-year run in the history of the NFL. Knowing his history with the team, is there a credibility issue as he now serves as an analyst for NBC Sports?”
Someone might get fired for that. He should be promoted.
* Rob’s comment went on to mention the fact that there were, in fact, girls at the Super Bowl party I attended. This is true. But I should remind Rob that proximity does not connote ownership. For example, here’s a picture of me next to R2-D2. This does not mean that I own R2-D2. Luke Skywalker does. I just happened to have my picture taken next to him. This also does not mean R2-D2 is my girlfriend.
I have asked out both girls in the photo multiple times. They’ve spent the past decade politely declining. On Sunday, I asked each of them out every time the Steelers got a first down. It was difficult to see the halftime show through all the Mace in my eyes.
* And the final point to make to Rob… Don’t take me to task for having more than one favorite team when you refuse to choose sides in the Cubs/White Sox rivalry. If the Lions play the Steelers in the Super Bowl (something that will never, ever, ever happen), I will root for Detroit.
* I will never cheer for any sports teams from California or Florida. Ever.
* Fact: Women are better at faking interest in a romantic partner. Most of them leave comments on this blog. You’re all talk, ladies.
* The mother of six who just added octuplets to her brood isn’t getting much love from potential sponsors. But she IS adding a turnstile to her birth canal.
* Do not distribute nude pictures of your ex online. You will go to prison. Just print them out and put them on car windshields like your grandparents did in the old days.
* Not surprising: A South Carolina state senator is pushing for everyone to get a day off on a Confederate Memorial Day. Surprising: The senator is black.
* Your biology may play a role in your choice of romantic partner. My biology is still rubbing the Mace from my eyes.
* Obesity can complicate teen pregnancy. Mainly because it’s easy to get lost in all that skin.
* Stress makes you look older. Obviously. On the day I learned I have to reapply for my job, I suddenly grew a comically long white beard.
* Something I didn’t know about Chicago: We have a company offering 24-hour sex toy delivery. Awesome? Creepy? Yeah, I’m gonna go with creepy.
I don’t know what’s more disturbing about that story – the actual story itself or the fact that when you watch the video, the pre-roll ad says, “Hey, Kids! You could be in a Bedding Experts commercial!” Worst product placement ever.
* Moms can pass on experience to their kids genetically. Nice to know a new generation of Lions fans will already carry the total failure of a decade in their bones before they take their first breath.