* Tom thinks yesterday’s picture makes me look “5-foot nothing.” I actually stand a statuesque 5’8″. Everyone else in Whiskey Rebellion is over 6 feet. Tall gangly guys and short fat guys are comedy archetypes. I should really put on a hundred pounds for the good of the team.
* My sleep schedule is totally blown to hell. A crazy weekend and a late work meeting yesterday has me sleeping multiple times a day. I need 8 hours uninterrupted to function well. Hopefully I get home at a respectable hour and get back on track.
* While composing my show this morning, I sat through Governor Blagojevich’s entire media tour: “The View,” “Larry King Live,” “Good Morning America.” He sounded like a broken record. His main defense for the recordings is, “They were taken out of context.” But I fail to see how context will make those soundbites any less damning, unless he ended every conversation with, “Psych!”
* Mental health experts debate whether Governor Blagojevich is crazy or not. (Must… stifle… opinion…)
* Thinking too much leads to bad choices. Which is why it’s better to trust your gut and skip your impeachment trial.
* The Senate voting to delay the digital TV transition is good, right? Not if you’re PBS. Start the pledge drives now. There aren’t enough tote bags in the world to pay off that bill.
* Your genes can determine if you’re popular or not. Yet another reason to hate your parents.
* You’re a serial killer in prison. Do you…
A) Work on an appeal.
B) Accept your punishment and serve your time.
C) Use a plastic knife to cut off your finger and send it to the court.
* This guy is better at Etch-a-Sketch than you are.
* If you’re headed to Super Bowl XLIII, be sure to enjoy Tampa’s XLIII strip clubs.
* Canon tells its workers to go home early and make babies. Meanwhile, NBC5 politely asks that I go home and stop staring at my female coworkers.
* NBCChicago.com briefly had a story about an uptick in egg and sperm sales labeled as “breaking news” this morning. Seriously, it was on the top of the page in a red banner and everything. Forgive us. It’s winter and the cold has frozen our ability to wield sound news judgment.
* This article suggests that “many Americans are much happier now.” Seriously? I don’t know about you, but the country seems a little gloomy these days. I guess the news of 40,000 layoffs in one day doesn’t matter to these blissfully ignorant fools.
* Want to know the most popular time to watch porn online? Sunday mornings at 5:16 a.m. CST. Gotta get that last bit of sin in before church, right people?
* For those who think the governor is the craziest person ever to come out of Illinois, I give you… Kanye West. Someone help him. Please.
* Teens in love tend to be more law-abiding. Which explains my minor murder spree during high school.
* ABC News explores the terrifying world of penile fractures. The more I read this article, the faster a certain part of my anatomy retreated upward.
I bailed permanently when I hit this paragraph…
“The penis will become deformed; it actually looks kind of grotesque,” said Paduch, who described the shape of a fractured penis as a “boomerang.”
* Have you seen that commercial for the blanket with arms? This thing is out of control. I love the part where the woman’s phone rings and she is totally enraged by her stupid regular blanket. It’s like, “GET OFF ME, BLANKET! WHY DON’T YOU HAVE ARMS?!?”
(Dignity not included)