* Epic blowhard moron Jay Mariotti invites Roger Ebert to “kiss (his) ass.” Article includes a lovely picture of the Mariotti mullet. In other news, I guess we can say “ass” on nbcchicago.com.
* Aretha Frankin’s ridiculous hat is a fashion sensation, and will lead to hundreds of women having to pass through doors sideways.
* Have you seen the Sasha and Malia dolls that are IN NO WAY RELATED to Sasha and Malia Obama, despite their debut coming in the same week as inauguration and “Sasha” and “Malia” being relatively rare names and the plush dolls bearing more than a passing resemblance?
* We pay $1,800 a year for President Clinton’s cable bill. Hey, Cinemax is expensive.
* CNN examines the value of virginity. The article tells us that 95% of people have sex before the age of 25. Most on Spring Break, I would assume. (That’s what I gleaned from “USA Up All Night,” anyway.)
In other virginity news, 48% of Glamour magazine readers are saving themselves for marriage. And unwittingly, so are 100% of Spider-Man comic book readers. (Don’t you hate Doctor Octopus? I do.)
* Ageless wonder Larry King gets real: “My younger son Cannon, he is eight. And he now says that he would like to be black. I’m not kidding. He said there’s a lot of advantages. Black is in.”
Larry, your son probably wishes that his name weren’t “Cannon,” and that his dad could toss a football without his arm collapsing into a pile of dust. Also 8-year-olds are notorious for being stupid. Ignore your boy like you ignore your guests by continuing to ask non-sequitur questions off those cue cards.
* You know it’s time to give up basketball forever when… your high school team is shut out 100 to nothing. One hundred to nothing. Those are the same odds Vegas is giving that I’ll get a date by Valentine’s Day.
* Lou Malnati’s pizza is going overseas to feed the troops during the Super Bowl. Guess I should join the military… or just walk a few blocks. (Best pizza in the city, y’all.)
* Looking for a way to energize your workout? Why not lift humans instead of weights? For the record, I get my workouts by carrying Rob and Zoraida every morning.
* This article guides you on what not to say in the early stages of dating. Seems unfair that the author just followed me around and recorded everything I said to women over the past six months.
* The last two mornings, I’ve seen dead people on the walk home.
Wednesday, it was a woman across from the Hancock Tower lying on the street with a big, bloody gash on her forehead. Her eyes were open, but not moving. She seemed limp. I have no idea if she had a stroke and fell and hit her head or what. She didn’t seem alive to me. Two people were trying to help her, but she was totally unresponsive. I called 911. The paramedics were there within seconds.
Yesterday, just a block from the station, I saw police tape and a pair of legs sticking out into the street. When I got a better look, it was definitely a dead guy, face first in the snow. The cops were taking pictures. His body was uncovered. “Did he jump?” I asked the cop.
“Yeah,” he said tersely.
When I got in to work, I found this article…
A man is dead after jumping from the 24th-floor of his condo building in the River North neighborhood on the Near North Side Thursday morning.
Cody King, 20, of 160 E. Illinois St., jumped from the 24th floor of his condo building and landed at 510 N. St. Clair St., a spokesman for the Cook County Medical Examiner’s office said. The St. Clair Street address is for the same building.
King was pronounced dead on the scene at 7:49 a.m., the spokesman said.
At 5:28 a.m. police responded to a call of a male of an unidentified age who apparently jumped “from some height,’’ in the 500 block of North St. Clair Street, according to police News Affairs Officer Daniel O’Brien.
The incident appears to be a suicide, according to the medical examiner’s office. An autopsy for King is slated for Friday.
I’m not sure how to wrap my head around all this, except to say I’m glad I’m alive. And I’m kinda scared to walk home today.
* Happy Weekend, Everybody!