* Upon opening my e-mail this morning, I was inundated with 30,000 chili recipes for some contest the station is running. This is annoying. STOP SENDING YOUR CHILI RECIPES. If you would like to bring your chili and give me a bowl, that’s fine. But I cannot eat your e-mails, so they are useless to me.
* I made the mistake of watching the first hour of “Hostel II” over the weekend. Truly awful. Girls, if you ever have a date with anyone who owns the DVD, do not allow yourself to be alone with him. He will try to use a can opener on your face. (Read the stomach-turning plot at Wikipedia.)
What’s the deal with the “torture porn” genre? I just envision a theater full of pasty, overweight, unshaven dweebs, cheering every methodical death. In this movie, a guy shoots a kid in the face for no reason. Why? A different little kid spits in a woman’s face, then runs past her, turns around and throws the B-word at her. Again, why?
Here is a movie totally devoid of joy. It has nothing to say. It hates women. It’s like watching surveillance video of an execution. I couldn’t watch the whole thing. I felt myself becoming more sad and morose with every death. I’m told the “Saw” movies are worse. I can’t imagine. I vow to de-friend anyone who’s seen those movies and liked them.
And how are these things rated “R”? The MPAA really thinks this would be appropriate for someone under 17 to see as long as they were with a guardian? It’s like an Al Qaeda training film without all the festive flag burning.
* Speaking of needless gore, Mexico now features near-daily beheadings. Remind me to cancel the trip to Cancun. (This, after buying a truckload of 10-gallon drums of sunscreen…)
* “I didn’t feel anything, I could even have cut off all my fingers. It was an act of despair.” Gulp.
* I hate Microsoft Windows because whenever there’s an update, I get an annoying box that pops up every half hour telling me I need to restart my computer or it will restart on its own in 3, 2, 1… NO! No, computer! I am in charge. Stop making my life miserable. I will restart you on my own timetable. I’m in the middle of writing a news show. Why don’t you just chill out?
* 3% of Americans believe George W. Bush is one of our greatest presidents. Halliburton shareholders are a vocal bunch.
* On Friday, Zoraida bragged that she never gets sick. Today she’s fighting off a cold. “I jinxed myself,” she said.
Hmmmm. I never go out on dates. (Waiting for karmic irony.)
Ahem. (Let’s try this again.)
I never go out with stunning, intelligent, warm and funny girls. (Still waiting.)
Maybe it only works for on-air people.
* Need a souvenir for tomorrow’s inauguration? How about a rock with Barack Obama’s face on it? Only $10. A handy paperweight for Democrats, a trusty projectile for Republicans.
* Staying with the inauguration, could you avoid calling your friends or taking pictures with your phone while you’re standing at that once-in-a-lifetime historic moment? Thanks.
* For all you gambling addicts, the odds Obama will say “banana” during his inaugural address are 1,000 to 1.
* My home state offers a deal: Marry your baby momma or pay for the kid’s birth. If I were that guy, I’d pay for the birth. Weddings are way more expensive.
* Congratulations, chlamydia! You’re at an all-time high! Stocks down, chlamydia up. 2009 is a great time to be alive.
* Lesson learned the hard way: the Google image search for “chlamydia” is pretty disturbing. Eli Roth must stare at it all day.
* You’re more likely to buy something if you touch it. See? This is why I only eat at Old Country Buffet. I see food, I get all grabby. Expensive habit at most places.
* Tom Cruise grew up wanting to kill Hitler. Since that dream was taken, he went to his fallback ambitions: jumping on Oprah’s couch and telling Matt Lauer he’s glib.
* Look at this clown’s mugshot. What crime do you think he could have committed? If you said “threw a taco at his mother’s face,” you’d be correct. (Am I wrong for hoping a giant horse tramples his man-parts, forever ending his ability to have children?)
* We did a story about a Kenyan brewery that sells a beer dedicated to Barack Obama. Zoraida wants me to get a sample. Let me just flip open the phone book to “Kenyan breweries who have no problem shipping free samples to a journalist on the other side of the world.”
* A cat is not a weapon, sir. But nice try.
* I really enjoyed yesterday’s football games. I’m sick of Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid, so I’m glad the Cardinals won. How can you root against Kurt Warner? That guy is more Cinderella than Cinderella was. And Larry Fitzgerald is a beast. Props to Philly for roaring back in the second half, but the outcome is better this way. It’s great to have a major underdog in the Super Bowl. The game is always closer than we expect.
Remember back in the 80s when every Super Bowl was a blowout? I remember watching the 49ers dismantle the Broncos while my dad and I were in a Washington, D.C. hotel room. The announcer said, dejectedly, “This is unfortunate.”
On the AFC side, the Steelers/Ravens game was everything you would hope. There were wicked, wicked hits, big passes and turnovers. The Ravens are a great team, but I think they just ran out of bodies. It’s hard to avoid injury when you play that hard. The Steelers are my favorite team outside of Detroit, so I will be wearing my Roethlisberger jersey and waving the Terrible Towel come Super Sunday.