* “Cold” doesn’t even begin to describe today. We need a new word for it. Like “cold squared” or something. As soon as I finish blogging, I will make the half-hour trek back to my apartment. There’s a 50/50 shot I will collapse in a snowbank and die, and hobos will come along to gut me and wear my pelt for warmth. And there’s a 100% chance I’ll lose at least four fingers to frostbite, so expect the blogs to take a lot longer to crank out from now on.
* Snowmageddon ’09 has chalked up more than 5,300 views online in about 24 hours. America has a fever, and the only cure is Snowmageddon!
* Here’s a gentlemanly bow toward the girls in Gurnee. This little slice of heaven only travels that way once a year for Six Flags shenanigans. But with enough encouragement, I could be persuaded to visit more frequently. Better yet, why not come to Chicago one week from today to enjoy several large slabs of heaven at the iO Theater? (Whiskey Rebellion, 8 p.m., $12. Click here to get two tickets for the price of one.)
* There is a significant lack of news today. I think all the journalists in America just got so fed up with winter that they refused to leave their offices, and we’re left running off the fumes of the previous days’ stories. I will do my best to entertain you, dear reader…
* Your dream job awaits in Peru, where you cannot be fired for being drunk.
* Atheists want Obama to drop the “so help me God” from the inaugural oath. Good luck with that.
* Remember the hillbillies who named their son “Adolf Hitler”? The government just took their kids away. That’s a real shame. How will they function without the steady diet of racism to which they’ve become accustomed?
* Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford is staying in college, presumably to avoid being drafted by my no-account Lions.
* Wanna turn your face into the same kind of art as the iconic Obama “hope” poster? Click here and enjoy.
* Zoraida sent me the following message today: “You should try connecting with humans sometime.”
My reply: “Humans are the enemy.”
* I have to give some props to the guys over at RiffTrax.com. Remember the fantastic show “Mystery Science Theater 3000”? Some of the same people are recording mocking commentaries to popular films. You download them, start your DVD and play the mp3 at the same time, and enjoy the demolition of a Hollywood blockbuster. I’ve listened to several and they’re outstanding.
The very, very best is a total bashing of the epic failure that is “The Star Wars Holiday Special.” I’ve been a fan of “Star Wars” since birth, but even I can’t pardon this abomination. George Lucas refuses to acknowledge its existence. It is so awful, a part of my soul dies every time I watch it. But with the RiffTrax commentary, that dead chunk of soul is reborn with a thunderous laugh. If you have a high threshold of pain and nearly two hours, you can watch the Holiday Special here. But seriously, consider adding the Rifftrax or else you may be sucked into the depths of despair somewhere between the 20 minutes of un-subtitled wookiee grunting, Harvey Korman’s deathly unfunny parade of characters and Bea Arthur singing to the Cantina. (For what it’s worth, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher appear to be coked out of their minds throughout.)
* Ricardo Montalban (“Khan” to his friends) died yesterday. He is survived by his hairpiece. Montalban will be buried in a casket of rich Corinthian leather. (I wrote that joke before I read it on Fark. Honestly.)
* Four in ten people laugh at bad jokes, leave me comments about how much they love Jimmy Buffett.
* Here’s yet another article about the Great Mustache Revival. A quote: “The moustache is a clear, visible sign that separates (men) from ladies.” Hey, so’s my junk, but I don’t put it on display. While I think I can pull off a beard, I don’t have the face for a ‘stache. I am not bothered by this. Growing a mustache seems like the last thing you do before you buy a windowless van and start hanging around playgrounds.