* Anybody watch the Golden Globes last night? What a joke of an awards show. I do a bit of acting, and I would trade a warehouse of Golden Globes for one Oscar. I mean, Sharon Stone won a Golden Globe, so how legit can they be?
Of course, “Slumdog Millionaire” won all the big prizes. I hate it when there’s some foreign film I have to run out and see. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe “Slumdog Millionaire” is awesome. But I spent 55 minutes on the phone with tech support in India a few days ago. Do I really want the same experience for two hours? It’s supposed to be some love story involving the Indian equivalent of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” This does not hold much appeal for me.
Last year, two of the top contenders were an awesome movie about a dude who uses an air canister to kill people and an even more awesome movie about an oil baron who screams at people. Based on that, I couldn’t run to the theater fast enough.
Anyway, the Globes are just a huge mess of an awards show. If the Academy Awards wants to reverse its ratings slide, it might consider having an awesome American movie (like the one about the guy who dresses like a bat punching the guy who dresses like a clown) win some major statues.
* The ‘stache is back! I trace this back to “There Will Be Blood.” Who doesn’t want to go around screaming like Daniel Plainview?
* Who wants alcohol-flavored popcorn? You do.
* 100 random facts! (Including… a severed fingertip can grow back naturally, goats wear condoms, and the word “unbepissed” means “not being urinated on.”)
* Women can smell a man’s intentions. That’s funny. I don’t think my intentions are a long string of platonic relationships that go nowhere.
* Touching helps couples reduce stress. Unless I’m involved, then the stress level jacks through the roof and I’m met with a swift crack to the face and a stern, “Don’t touch me.”
* Drew Peterson’s new fiancee just moved in with him. Cue the coroner in 3, 2, 1… (ALLEGEDLY!)
* Playboy founder Hefner, 82, talks of empire, girlfriends. NBC5 producer Bowman, 31, blogs of the opposite.
* Obese Americans now outnumber the merely overweight. Yay, us! That’s one step closer to making “Wall-E” a reality.
* 1 in 200 kids are vegetarian, no fun to hang out with.
* As Andre chomped down on his one good eyeball in his jail cell, I wonder if he was able to see the inside of his throat.
* Smarter men have more sperm, less idea how to get someone to extract it.
* Another reason to love Burger King’s marketing team: You can get a free Whopper if you sacrifice 10 Facebook friends. (Oh, and everybody will know who you threw over for a burger.)
* Remember when, between the ages of 13 and 15, you had sex with your teacher 300 times? This kid does.
* A Ukrainian bride needs you to attend her wedding in London. Seems the groom’s side of the church will be packed while hers will be almost totally empty. I assume I will be in the same boat. By the time I find someone to marry, most of my relatives will be dead.
* The Shady Lady Brothel will give you a $50 gift card if you spend $300 on their “services.” Well, I’ve got my 2009 vacation lined up.
* As I blog, Executive Producer Wendy is bouncing off the walls, practically humming with anticipation of the inbound snowstorm. She cannot wait. I, however, could go the rest of my life without covering another snow day. That’s okay. I have something even more intimidating than the Snowpocalypse ’08 animation lined up. Tune in tomorrow at 4:30 a.m. and I promise you will wet your pants in fear.
* And finally, here’s our most recent Whiskey Rebellion show. The suggestion was “toothbrush.” Everything is improvised. Adult language within. (My main contribution begins at 13:30, but I’m sprinkled throughout.)