* Yesterday, my friend had an interview set up with 1984 Olympic gold medal winner, figure skater Scott Hamilton. He bailed on her. That seemed pretty whack, so I checked his entry on Wikipedia to learn more about him and this is what I found…
Good Lord! Hollowing out babies and wearing them as shoes? That’s awful. I guess I’m glad my friend didn’t have to encounter that monster and his grisly footwear.
* Perhaps the only person worse than Scott Hamilton is Jimmy Buffett. Not only does his music totally suck, it also gets people killed. An Army sergeant, no less! So there ya go, Al Qaeda. If you want to pick off the U.S. military one by one, just put on a Jimmy Buffett album and watch the carnage. (I’m tempted to add this nugget to my previous anti-Buffett rant.)
* Speaking of The Enemy (Al Qaeda, not Jimmy Buffett), Islamic militants have taken to mocking President Bush over the death of his cat. Real classy. Maybe on his way out the door, the President can track their IP address and start another war based on shaky evidence, just to teach them a lesson.
* Today Rob basically refused to read a script about this Australian perv. I’m pretty bummed about it, so I want to open things up to the blogosphere. Grab your video camera and record yourself reading the following script. Put it on YouTube and mail the link to me: firstname.lastname@example.org. I will post your video entries on the blog. Then I’ll choose a winner and send you some kind of prize. (Probably something stolen off Rob’s desk, just to teach him a lesson.) Okay, here’s the script you need to read…
“Pity the cop who ends up on this case. Police are looking for the Australian man who broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow-up dolls named “Jungle Jane,” then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley. One of the shop owners says the guy has been taking the dolls in the back, blowing them up, then having his way with them and tossing them aside. Sounds like SOMEONE is getting a head start on pledging his frat.”
Submissions must be received by January 22. I’ll crown the winner in the blog on January 23.
* CNN gives us a list of 25 lies it’s okay to tell. The first is “the number of sexual partners you’ve had plus or minus five.” That’s silly. Why would I tell someone I’ve had negative five sexual partners?
* Attention, moron: After you’ve gotten away with vandalizing your ex-boyfriend’s apartment, don’t get yourself busted by posting pictures of the deed on MySpace.
* If you are so inclined, dozens of people are going to ride the El without pants on Saturday.
* Lisa Marie Presley is upset people are critical of Scientology. Always trust an ex-wife of Michael Jackson when it comes to any sort of major issue.
* Exercise won’t cure obesity. Who wrote this? Rosie O’Donnell?
* You’re a mother of young kids and a 7’3″ convicted child molester moves into a trailer park near your home. Do you…
B) Keep a closer eye on your kids.
C) Beat him with an aluminum baseball bat.
* We had fun with the Snowpocalypse animation (see Monday’s blog), but now it’s dated. Today I ordered another animation for snowstorms in 2009. If the artists can pull off my vision, TV news people will fan me with palm fronds everywhere I go. Just wait…
* Mesa, Arizona is the most boring city in the country. It could be worse. In that same article, Gilbert, Arizona is described by its mayor as “a hotbed of celibacy” (a term previously reserved for my apartment).
* Don’t you hate it when you fall halfway off a ski lift, your pants and underwear get pulled off, you need to be rescued and pictures of the ordeal are featured on the Tonight Show and all around the internet? Yeah. Me, too.
* And finally, this is something I’ve been meaning to get to for a long time. On the premiere episode of the last season of Celebrity Rehab, Gary Busey opens a metal suitcase to reveal a whole bunch of nothing. (See the picture below.) If you were headed to rehab, would you have packed like Gary? Be honest.