A New Year & Knuckle Weapons

Lesser men would be emasculated by a cardboard hat.

Lesser men would be emasculated by a cardboard New Year's hat.

* Welcome to 2009, boys and girls.  Time flies.  Two years ago, I was prepping the start of “Barely Today.”  That was back when I knew joy and laughter.  I heard something on the radio overnight that made me feel very old.  “Livin’ La Vida Loca” came out ten years ago.  (But if it makes me feel old, imagine how Ricky Martin must feel.)

* I have a friend who was reporting on the New Year’s festivities live from Times Square.  She said she was going to be asked to give her resolution on the air and she wanted a list of some funny ones.  Here’s what I sent her…

  • New York New YearI resolve to continue wearing my Barack Obama inauguration gear long after it is fashionable.
  • I resolve to use as much gas as possible before the price goes up again.
  • I’m going to finally get around to selling that Bear Stearns stock.
  • I resolve to beat Kobayashi at the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest this year.
  • I resolve to speak TO my microphone rather than AT my microphone.
  • I resolve to stop staring down Kathy Griffin in the CNN tent right now.
  • I resolve to spend the start of 2009 with my husband. Honey, if you could just wade through the several million people filling Times Square right now, just look for the lights and cameras.
  • I resolve to finally get over my confetti phobia… oh, God…

Comedy gold, right?  Anyway, I sent these to her but she didn’t get the e-mail in time.  C’est la vie.

* Speaking of resolutions, this woman has vowed to find a husband by the end of 2009.  If she fails, she promises not to go on any dates in 2010.  Hey, I can pretty much guarantee I won’t have any dates in 2010 and I don’t even have to go to the hassle of making a website or anything.  (Yay, me?)

* The Telegraph wants us to make a resolution to be more polite.  I resolve to tell the Telegraph where they can shove their resolutions.

42921_1* Among the new Illinois laws now in effect, all knuckle weapons have been outlawed.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  That’s all I got for Christmas!  From Mom: knuckle weapons.  From Dad: knuckle weapons.  From Brothers, sister and grandma: knuckle weapons.  I have more knuckle weapons than I have knuckles.  I need them for survival.  You don’t walk a mile home from work near the Loop to the Gold Coast without at least six or seven fistfights every morning.  Do you hear me, state lawmakers?  I NEED MY KNUCKLE WEAPONS.  If you want ’em, you can come and get ’em… when you pry ’em off my cold, dead knuckles.

* The Governor continues demonstrating his trademark grace under pressure with this friendly New Year’s greeting to the photographers outside his home.  (“I’m Rod Blagojevich.  I wear a leather jacket and sunglasses.  I’m what Fonzie would be if Fonzie were the governor.  Ayyyyyyyyyyy!”)

drew* I had a dream the other night that Drew Peterson showed up at my doorstep to intimidate me for poking fun at him in the blog.  He entered my apartment and sat on my couch and asked to watch “The Little Mermaid” on VHS.  While it was on, he just stared at me the whole time and said sarcastically, “This video has gotten me through some real tough times.”  And then he smirked at me.  It was as uncomfortable a dream as I’ve ever had.

* Hey, Chicago.  How’d that Winter Classic work out for you?  Not so good?  That’s a real shame.  At least you have the Stanley Cup to assuage your grief.  What’s that?  You don’t have the Stanley Cup?  Oh… the Red Wings do?  That’s right.  Must’ve slipped my mind.  (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha … gasp… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.)

* People who hate their lives: This reporter outside an exceptionally rowdy New Year’s party.  (If the video kept going, you’d see a guy mooning her.  Seriously.)  Rule #1 of TV journalism: Never point a camera with a light into a darkened, drunken crowd.  It’s as though you’re shooting them with a ray gun that makes them unleash their greatest jackass fantasy.

The best quip I ever heard when some drunken moron crashed a live shot came from my hometown.  A reporter for the NBC affiliate took one look at the screaming weirdo and said dryly, “I remember my first beer, too.”

Then again, Ginger Zee handled a streaker pretty well back in the day.

wicked-witch* Remember the grouchy old bat who got arrested for not returning the neighbor boy’s football when it flew into her yard?  Charges were dropped, but the hag is suing the family next door.  What a miserable old witch.

* Microsoft’s Zune implodes over a Leap Year.  Nice programming, jerks.  What self-respecting human would even carry a Zune?  If I got one for free, I’d use it to prop up my uneven coffee table before I used it to play mp3s.  The Zune is what uninformed parents buy their children when the kids ask for an iPod.  And by the way, there is nothing worse than Microsoft Vista.  Nothing.  Not even syphilis.  I would rather use syphilis as an operating system than Microsoft Vista.

* CNN.com readers say “The Dark Knight” was the best movie of 2008, while “The Happening” was the worst.  M. Night Shyamalan is such a hack.  All his movies are just a collection of whispering people and some corny “twist” ending.  I wouldn’t hire him to direct a home movie of a toddler playing in a sprinkler.

(Adjacent note, CNN’s critic and Entertainment Weekly’s Lisa Schwarzbaum pick “Wall-E” as the best of ’08.  I told you that months ago.)

frank* While I was adding a link to NBCChicago.com, I noticed that this article was being placed on the site.  Really?  “6 Phrases to Get Her into Bed Tonight”?  After that, I don’t want any static about anything I write from here on out.  It’s like Frank TJ Mackey joined our web staff.

* Before I bounce for the weekend, I’ll give you my personal New Year’s Resolutions…

1. To be awesome every day.  Not just weekdays, but weekends too.

2. Not to die weighing 500 pounds, in a trailer without a working toilet, leaving behind a bedridden mother and 60 neglected caged birds.

3. Win that Pulitzer.

4. Preside over the rebuilding of the Detroit Lions, starting with fan-built effigies of Matt Millen and William Clay Ford.

5. Crack 100,000 hits on the YouTube video of my on-air weather rant.

6. Find true love. (Time permitting)

7. Have a good laugh when our governor ends up behind bars.

8. Find a way to pay Cook County even more taxes.

9. Take my knuckle weapons to Springfield and fight every lawmaker until they re-legalize my knuckle weapons.

10. To wrap my head around the human enigma that is Karl Pilkington.

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2 responses to “A New Year & Knuckle Weapons

  1. i enjoy the blog and share your disdain about the ban on knuckle weapons — lame! do you twitter?

  2. I had a similar nightmare about drew. SCARRY!!!

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