* You’ve gotta love Governor Blagojevich. He’s just sitting there, giving a big middle finger to everyone in the country. (“Oh, you don’t want me to name a Senator? Here. Suck on this.”) I don’t know anything about this Roland Burris guy, but I have to question the integrity of anyone who’d accept an appointment from our Lego-haired dictator.
* Something’s wrong with my computer. It’s incredibly slow and Internet Explorer windows close randomly if I have more than three open. This is the kind of thing where I would ask IT for help, but we never get an IT person here on the overnight shift. I could call the 24-hour tech support in India, but I think this is an issue with this specific computer. And I have neither the time nor the patience to listen to someone from India fumble around for the better part of the morning. So I’ll just keep furrowing my brow and praying for the day an IT guy just happens to wander into the newsroom some morning.
* Men are more likely to follow through on their New Year’s resolutions. Not me. My annual resolution is to land a girlfriend. Year 32 will finally break the spell, I’m sure.
* The list of banished words for 2009 includes “maverick,” “staycation” and “from Wall Street to Main Street.” I’d like to ban the word “plume.” Getting a little too much play in Andy’s forecasts these days.
* Sarah Palin is the most desired celebrity neighbor. Probably because of all the hilarious pratfalls you’d get to see out your window each morning.
* How would you have reacted in high school if your assistant principal was caught engaging in a public sex act? Congratulations, Maine East! You get to find out!
* And now, 4 tips to curb your temper. If I could, I’d like to add a fifth: abandon your journalism career.
* When attacked by a naked man, make like an 88-year-old woman and crush the crotch with your hand.
* 8 signs your man may be depressed. (#6 – He’s wearing a Detroit Lions jersey and a paper bag on his head.)
* Grandpa, no! A man is arrested and banned from a mall after repeatedly stroking women’s hair and caressing their arms in a movie theater.
* Hey! Who wants a cologne that smells like human ejaculate? Nobody? That’s what I thought.
(That Burger King cologne smelled like an entirely different bodily fluid.)
* A man is more likely to have a son if he has several brothers. And he’s more likely to die alone if he produces a newscast at 4:30 a.m.
* The Chinese spend more leisure time online than anyone else. That’s funny, because their government blocks anything worth reading.
That same article shows 76% of Germans have met someone in person that they initially met online. This gives me the opportunity to link to the Rent-a-German site once again.
* Tom Shales looks back at “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and the new venture that is “Cinematic Titanic.” I went to see “Cinematic Titanic”at the Lakeshore Theater a few weekends ago and it was definitely worth the ticket price. Bad movies are hilarious. Bad movies mocked are even funnier.
* No blog tomorrow, kiddies. There are no morning shows, so I actually have a holiday off. But tune in Friday for a long list of my 2009 resolutions.