We are all helpless to the charms of Drew Peterson

zicam* Allow me to be totally gross for a second.  I’m sick.  At first, I thought I just had a cold.  I tried Zicam for the first time and it was a terrifying experience.  Within seconds of the first dosage, I turned into a roaring fountain of mucus and tears.  I literally watched fluids pouring out of me as I said, horror movie-style, “What’s happening to me?”  It was like when the black oil poured out of people’s faces on “The X-Files.”  Awful.  But it did help open my airways.

As yesterday wore on, I felt incredibly achy and my head felt hot.  A thermometer pegged me at 99.8 degrees, which means I have a fever.  (Even when I’ve had the fever shakes before, I almost never go above 98.2.)  Is this the flu?  I thought you always got nauseous with the flu.  Whatever this is, it sucks.  And I probably shouldn’t be working.  But I don’t think we have anyone to fill in for me, so I march on in my drug-fueled, delirious state.  How lucky for you.  Blog duty calls!

* Who wants a free Rod Blagojevich ringtone?  That’s right.  You do.

* Andy says we are going to get nailed with a wave of freezing rain, sleet and snow today.  Normally, I wouldn’t care, but I have a friend driving in to see me from Michigan and I’m pretty sure those roads are going to be a death trap.  In between cold/flu/fever treatments, I will just sit around worrying.

drew* Hey, Drew Peterson!  Congrats on bagging yet another 20-something fiancée!  I hear the couple is registered at Bed, Bath and Corpse-Sized Containers.

Predictably, the girl’s dad is freaked out.

* Bad: “Your baby has a tumor.”
Worse: “The tumor has a foot in it.”

* Who left a human heart at a car wash 20 miles from my hometown?  Doesn’t somebody need that?  You know, for the whole “being alive” thing?

* More than 60% of pet owners believe they can understand their animals and their animals can understand them.  This is known in medical circles as being out of your frickin’ mind.

* America finally turns its back on Freddie Prinze Jr.  You couldn’t pay me to sit through one of his movies.   And that short-lived sitcom “Freddie”?  Whoever greenlit that pathetic excuse for entertainment should be shot… or forced to marry Drew Peterson.

* Pam Anderson’s breasts cannot be contained.

* “For he’s a jolly good fell… oh.  Oh, God!  Somebody call 911!”

* If you were going to commit armed robbery, would you do it over… an egg beater?  How bizarre.  Reminds me of the old Monty Python Dennis Moore sketch.  (Time consuming, but worth it.  “Your lupins or your life!”)

dk* How to ruin an awesome franchise like the “Dark Knight”-era Batman: Make a sequel with Eddie Murphy as the Riddler and Shia LeBeouf as Robin.  Please, God, tell me this isn’t true.  Batman by himself is awesome.  With Robin?  Lame.  Why not just get Joel Schumacher to direct, fill it up with neon colors and put Val Kilmer back in the batsuit?  We saw this sucky movie before.

All this talk about the potential ruining of Batman makes me want to reflect on a better side of the Caped Crusader.  Take this fantastic Q&A about what it would take for a real-life person to become Batman, for example.

* Remember yesterday’s story about the body spray from Burger King that’s supposed to smell vaguely of meat?  Their PR department sent me some overnight.  It truly smells awful.  Reminds me of the scratch ‘n’ sniff stickers that were supposed to smell like skunks.  (Gag.)

* “As she went to sniff her husband’s penis, he reportedly punched her mouth and started to kick her when she was on the floor.”

* My network is so hard up for money, we’re auctioning off Scarlett Johansson’s used Kleenex.

* This survey echoes my life.  Doctors (like my brother) are the most sought-after marriage partners.  (Yeah.  He’s hitched.)  Meanwhile, journalists (like me) are among those people least want to marry.  (Annnnd I’m single.)

4 responses to “We are all helpless to the charms of Drew Peterson

  1. I think if you were more positive, and not so negative, girls might respond better to you. (LOL) Maybe you should ask Jason Piazza (the smartest man alive) how you can find a date. (LOL)

  2. That Drew Peterson sure is a sexy fellow. I would marry him, but I’m still in college. I’m not ripe enough for him yet.

    I have something to aspire to, at least.

  3. I’m thinking I’m helpless against the charms of a handsome early morning news producer

  4. whatever happened to is it me, Freddie Prinze Jr., anyway?

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