* It’s official. I have a cold. Thanks a heap, newsroom germ mongers. I’m going to lick everyone’s phone handset, just to retaliate.
* Want to see what made Zoraida laugh so hard she cried this morning? Check out “Flame,” the new body spray by Burger King that smells like meat. (Click on the spray nozzle four times for something sexy.)
* Reason #274 to raise your kid Amish: 20% of teenagers have sent or posted nude or seminude pictures or videos of themselves online.
* In the coming months, mental health experts expect a rise in theft, depression, drug use, anxiety and even violence. And that’s just in the newsroom.
* This story is staggering: The Detroit News and Free Press are abandoning home delivery four days a week. That means the only way to get a paper (and a smaller one, at that) is to hit a newsstand. Mark my words: our grandchildren will grow up in a world without newspapers.
* Executive Producer Wendy started talking about “pelvic floors ” and “Kegel exercises” today. I work in an insane asylum.
* Sorry, Adolf Hitler Campbell. You’re not gonna get that birthday cake with your name on it. Oh, and your parents are idiots. Good luck with life!
* The most deadly natural phenomenon in the United States is… heat. Better luck next year, hurricanes!
* Congratulations to the recipient of the first face transplant in the United States. Said the patient, “If they can’t recognize me, they can’t impeach me.”
* When Jay Leno went around telling everyone that TV viewers are going to bed earlier these days, he was lying. I think Jay was just spewing a lie fed to him by the NBC brass who lured him to prime time. I watched Jay’s monologue last night. Didn’t chuckle once. I propose we dig up Johnny Carson and have a Muppeteer control his corpse.
* Alright. I’m gonna go home and chug some NyQuil. I expect to wake up completely refreshed sometime in 2009.