* Today is the 235th anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. You have to wonder if there’s another overtaxed city on the water on the verge of revolt…
* Facts You Need to Know: A guinea pig can feed a family of seven for just $3.20. (Thanks, Peruvian Government!)
* 46% of women would give up sex for two weeks rather than lose their internet connection. That number was just 10% prior to the launch of this blog.
* My influence grows. Some blogger named Benjamin Kepple writes an ode to me and calls me “an American hero.” Oh, Planet Earth, how did you ever exist without me?
* Am I the only one falling way behind on Christmas shopping? I know what I want to get for my brother and sister-in-law. My sister is problematic. My youngest brother hasn’t issued a list, as is tradition in my family. My mom and dad are also difficult this year. Perhaps these mentions in the blog should be enough for them.
* The New York Giants want a scantily-clad fan to cover up. She can just grab a spare bag off the head of any Lions fan.
* Speaking of my Lions, I’m really hoping to hold an 0-16 party on December 28. I believe!
* Kids these days… they’re shoving everything from chunks of crayons to unfolded paper clips under their skin. In my day, you cried for help by climbing a bell tower with a rifle. Uphill both ways. In the snow.
* Today brought the weekly crap-shoot known as Text Tuesday. Since Arne Duncan is going to be Secretary of Education, I suggested the following question…
Which Chicagoan would you most like to see go to Washington next?
– Brian Urlacher as Secretary of Defense
– Oprah as White House Press Secretary
– Wayne Johnson as White House Interior Designer
– Kanye West as Secretary of Ego
– Todd Stroger as Village Idiot
– R. Kelly as Secretary of Statutory Rape
– Rex Grossman as head of FEMA
* “Saturday Night Live” continues its spiral to Sucksville with a sketch about singing lamps. And weekly disappointment Jason Sudeikis did the world’s worst Rod Blagojevich impression. (To be fair, the Christmas dinner sketch… and only the Christmas dinner sketch… was funny.) I’m also unimpressed with the girls. Casey Wilson has done nothing of note. She’s essentially the new Julia Sweeney. New girl Michaela Watkins also stretches the definition of “funny.” She appears to hearken from Nora Dunnsville. And sweet-faced (but apparently mute) Abby Elliott is getting about as much face time as her old man did during the truly abysmal 1994-95 season.
Head writer Seth Meyers is doing a bang-up job encouraging the staff to write plenty of sketches about bodily functions. Without the election and Tina Fey’s Palin to lean on, SNL is collapsing faster than a deck of cards in an unfunny Molly Shannon sketch (read: every Molly Shannon sketch).
Side note: New York Governor David Paterson feels the same way, saying, “Now that [Alaska Gov. Sarah] Palin’s not around, they seem to have run out of material.”
* As I sit here, I’m starting to feel a little lightheaded. Am I getting sick? I’d better not. Curse you newsroom germs!