* So today was my epic defense of weather coverage hatred. I came in and hunkered down, typing a Gettysburg Address-quality salvo. And when the time came, I sat down at Studio 5 and prepared for battle. (Video to come.)
The anchors didn’t fight fair. As soon as I started to read my copy, they had the prompter operator flip the switch to blank-out my screen. Hilarious, right? Tomorrow should be more hilarious, when I not only sabotage their scripts, but add incongruous video to every story. To paraphrase Sean Connery in “The Untouchables,” don’t bring a knife to a gunfight.
Once the prompter was restored, I began my moment of glory, deftly dismantling all the goofy, over-the-top, self-aggrandizing stunts we pull every time it snows.
Rob countered by telling me that our snow coverage helped us win the ratings war among women aged 25-54. But here’s what I think: people tune in to hear the meteorologist, maybe the traffic guy. On a severe weather day, there’s almost nothing an anchor can tell me that will matter. And I certainly don’t want to hear from the snowplow guy, telling me he’s doing his job like always.
I realize that this victory is short-lived, and the minute another flake falls from the sky, we will attack the “story” like Osama bin Laden just surrendered to Rex Grossman on Michigan Avenue. But the truth has been spoken. TV news will never be the same.
* Just as you should never bring a knife to a gunfight, you should never bring a knife to a candy cane fight.
* Wendy informed me I “look really good on camera.”
I informed her I look really good in person.
* Researchers say the best female form is not an hourglass. Sure, if you’re looking for a woman to attach a plow to.
* Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I accidentally shot my lover during sex… I’d have, like, five bucks.
* Ladies, aren’t you sick of your ex-boyfriends riding up on their bikes and yanking off your wigs?
* I did a little Christmas shopping yesterday. I have a 2-year-old gift card to Nordstrom. But Nordstrom is crazy-expensive. Every shirt there is at least $150. Why? It’s a shirt, right? Covers my chest and arms? Made of fabric? Features some sort of decorative pattern? Yeah, I’m not goin’ above $50 for any reason, ever. I fear I will just sit on this gift card forever…
* I told the witchdoctor I was in love with you and he said, “I killed 110 children I believed were possessed by evil spirits.”
* Cheerful and sunny yellow will be the most influential color of 2009, and it will make us all look jaundiced.
* The economic meltdown is driving some bickering couples to a fate worse than death: having to stay together for financial reasons.
* I invite you to celebrate my second appearance on NBC5 by attending my improv show tonight. Whiskey Rebellion and I have some magic up our sleeves. Tickets are $12 for two hours of joy and merriment. And there’s a bar, so you can get wicked hammered. (Join us at 8 p.m. at the iO Theater – 3541 N Clark, next to Wrigley Field. We’re in the cabaret.)
* If you’re looking for a compelling reason to swing down to the theater tonight, you’d get to see these two handsome devils in person…