The finest penises in all of Europe

ron-burgundy* The New York Times reports on the downfall of the local TV news anchor.  Ron Burgundy weeps.

* Perhaps you’re wondering why people would turn away from local TV newscasts.  Maybe it’s because of scripts like this one, from yesterday’s 5 p.m. newscast…

“The first snow came right on cue — the start of December.  And while there’s that first gasp of delight when you see it — all hushed and white… Reality quickly sets in… It’s wet, it’s heavy… It’s cold — it snarls traffic… And worst of all — you’ve got to clear it. Off your sidewalk, your car, your shoes.”

On days like this, it appears we’re less “NBC News” and more “NBC Waxing Rhapsodic About the Obvious.”

I believe there is a hunger for local news, but we need to focus more on storytelling than chasing ambulances and reading press releases.  Maybe that’s just me.

* It seems some brains are pre-wired to choose change, while others fear it.  Still, no one wants to use that stupid dollar coin the U.S. Mint keeps pushing.

* I have some sort of weird sinus problem going on.  Every time I swallow, it hurts in the center of my head.  I presume it’s one of those creatures Khan shoved in Chekov’s ear during “Star Trek II.”

chekov-ear

* Clean people are less judgmental.  What’s the source of the funding for this research? The Institute of Pointlessness?

* A federal judge says a Detroit city employee can proceed with a civil suit claiming she couldn’t work because of a co-worker’s strong perfume.  I know the feeling.  When I worked at Fox, there was a guy you could smell coming a mile away.  It was like he wore an aftershave made of roadkill and cloves.

* France claims the biggest penises in Europe.  Ah, but which country has the deepest vaginas?

On this story, we got the following e-mail from a viewer…

So… the French are still measuring their tools in inches?  I thought it would be like the Quarter Pounder in Pulp Fiction.  La Grande toole Royale?  As a Chicagoan I feel the right tool for the right job is the answer.

My reply…

The story was originally in centimeters, but I converted it for our American audience.

Viva la France.

nickelback-blows* Nickelback is going on tour.  Bring your decaying produce and your throwing arm to the Allstate Arena March 12.  If you learn that one of your friends or family is attending this goat show, cut ties immediately.

* Counting substance abuse, nearly half of 18-24-year-olds have some sort of psychiatric condition.  I suppose that accounts for Nickelback’s popularity.

* Tina Fey’s husband tells us where she got the scar.  He’ll be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future.

* Today, I learned Zoraida has not seen “Animal House.”  I am not surprised.

* Could Bill Clinton take Hillary’s Senate seat?  Better question: Can we enact legislation against anyone named Bush or Clinton making another power grab?

* Coach Rod Marinelli to Detroit Lions: “We’re not going 0-16.”
Detroit Lions to Coach Rod Marinelli: “Yes we are.”

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