Bye Bye, Beardie

* The blog is back but the beard is gone.

“What happened?” you cry.  “We dainty, hairless-types were living vicariously through your impressive facial outcropping!”

bunyan2Well, dear readers, I went home to Michigan for the weekend.  And I feared that if my mother saw her firstborn son channeling a Viking’s mighty face foliage, she would collapse in terror and awe.  I spent most of Friday attacking the beard with a variety of lawnmower blades, machetes and polearms.  The beard grabbed most and snapped them in half.  But my will was strong.  Armed with a blowtorch and shaving cream forged with kerosene, I managed to land a decisive blow.  The beard fell to the sink with a mighty thud.  And I collapsed from the strain of battle.

Was it real?  Could one man wield a beard so mighty?  Did we live through Beardpocalypse ’08?

Yes.  Our children will sing folk songs about it.

pizza* While in Michigan, my family and I ate at a restaurant touting “Chicago-style” pizza.  To everyone outside Chicago, “Chicago-style” just means thick crust.  The pizza we had was good, but it had no more claim to “Chicago-style” than Pizza Hut’s traditional pan pizza.  I refuse to stand for pizza blasphemy.

* On this morning’s show, I rolled out a portion of this video, describing the most attractive ways to dance.  When it was over, Zoraida confessed that she was “bored” throughout.  Not every news show offers such candid self-assessment.

* Taking pornographic pictures of your wife may be fine, but you’re gonna want to make sure your cell phone camera doesn’t end up in the hands of a bunch of McDonald’s employees.  Cannot un-ring that bell, my friend.

* Thanks to the failing economy, more Americans are paying for goods and services with green paper rectangles.  I think I read about those in history class.

john-lennon* 28 years after his death, John Lennon gets a pardon from the Vatican over the whole “bigger than Jesus” thing.  So for those of you holding a grudge, follow the Vatican’s lead and wait 28 years after your rival’s death to offer forgiveness.

* This story has all three ingredients you need for an entertaining read: 1) Thailand.  2) Military guy.  3) Dropping snakes from a helicopter to attack your foes.

* The Butt Bandit has been apprehended!  I repeat: The Butt Bandit has been apprehended!

See Dick Johnson’s original Butt Bandit report here…

* Spiders can spin webs in space. You will never need to know this for any reason ever.

* “Everybody thinks Chicago is Siberia when it comes to late fall and winter.” (Not true.  Life can exist in Siberia.)

* Naming your child “Bronx Mowgli” should result in his immediate seizure by the state.  (More fun at the Bad Baby Names Blog.)

* Staying on the mini-human beat, putting your child in a forward-facing stroller will ruin him for life.

* Blaze of Glory: When quitting your job, make sure you call everyone “stupid” on the way out.  Bonus points if you’re an elected official.

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