* The blog is back but the beard is gone.
“What happened?” you cry. “We dainty, hairless-types were living vicariously through your impressive facial outcropping!”
Well, dear readers, I went home to Michigan for the weekend. And I feared that if my mother saw her firstborn son channeling a Viking’s mighty face foliage, she would collapse in terror and awe. I spent most of Friday attacking the beard with a variety of lawnmower blades, machetes and polearms. The beard grabbed most and snapped them in half. But my will was strong. Armed with a blowtorch and shaving cream forged with kerosene, I managed to land a decisive blow. The beard fell to the sink with a mighty thud. And I collapsed from the strain of battle.
Was it real? Could one man wield a beard so mighty? Did we live through Beardpocalypse ’08?
Yes. Our children will sing folk songs about it.
* While in Michigan, my family and I ate at a restaurant touting “Chicago-style” pizza. To everyone outside Chicago, “Chicago-style” just means thick crust. The pizza we had was good, but it had no more claim to “Chicago-style” than Pizza Hut’s traditional pan pizza. I refuse to stand for pizza blasphemy.
* On this morning’s show, I rolled out a portion of this video, describing the most attractive ways to dance. When it was over, Zoraida confessed that she was “bored” throughout. Not every news show offers such candid self-assessment.
* Taking pornographic pictures of your wife may be fine, but you’re gonna want to make sure your cell phone camera doesn’t end up in the hands of a bunch of McDonald’s employees. Cannot un-ring that bell, my friend.
* Thanks to the failing economy, more Americans are paying for goods and services with green paper rectangles. I think I read about those in history class.
* 28 years after his death, John Lennon gets a pardon from the Vatican over the whole “bigger than Jesus” thing. So for those of you holding a grudge, follow the Vatican’s lead and wait 28 years after your rival’s death to offer forgiveness.
* This story has all three ingredients you need for an entertaining read: 1) Thailand. 2) Military guy. 3) Dropping snakes from a helicopter to attack your foes.
* The Butt Bandit has been apprehended! I repeat: The Butt Bandit has been apprehended!
See Dick Johnson’s original Butt Bandit report here…
* Spiders can spin webs in space. You will never need to know this for any reason ever.
* “Everybody thinks Chicago is Siberia when it comes to late fall and winter.” (Not true. Life can exist in Siberia.)
* Staying on the mini-human beat, putting your child in a forward-facing stroller will ruin him for life.
* Blaze of Glory: When quitting your job, make sure you call everyone “stupid” on the way out. Bonus points if you’re an elected official.