Don’t poke the bear.

* Career Advice: When someone is trying to help you, the proper response is not, “I’m not stupid.”  That response will make the person helping you angry.

Here is a picture of a bear who was trying to be helpful…

bear1

Then someone repaid his kindness with rudeness.  Now he looks like this…

bear

* After two weeks of weak news, the skies parted and we received dozens of wonderful stories.  You’re tempted to hide some away for future use, but that’s not the way the news works.

* You know times are tough when… You pawn your jewel-encrusted dentures.

* Who wants to stay at a “zero star” hotel in Switzerland for $11 a night?  It’s an old bomb shelter, and you have to spin a wheel to see how uncomfortable your bed will be.  Oh, and the door might be locked if the Swiss Army decides they want to train there.

* Poor Senator Ted Stevens.  After years of corruption and graft, felony convictions, building bridges to nowhere and calling the internet “a series of tubes,” he’s finally lost his job.  I don’t know which is more confusing: the fact that this man spent 40 years as a senator or that he wasn’t elected in Illinois.

mccoy_vintage_little* The new “Star Trek” movie is “sexy.”  Maybe in this one we’ll find out why they call Dr. McCoy “Bones.”

* Salzburg, Austria just banned tracksuits for cabbies.  Reached for comment, New Jersey said, “Ohhhhhh!”

* Love means never having to say you’re sorry for bludgeoning your girlfriend with a sandwich while she’s driving down the highway. 

Actual line in the story: “Police haven’t said what type of sandwich was involved.”  Reminds me of the the last line from the classic Hot Pocket battle story.

kath_kim* Is it just me, or do all the new TV shows suck?  NBC has already dropped the axe on “My Own Worst Enemy” and “Lipstick Jungle.”  No one will miss them.  And now the reboot of “Knight Rider” is being pulled for repairs.  I’ve only caught part of this show, while I was running on the treadmill.  I couldn’t hear anything, but I read the closed captioning.  It looked irredeemably cheesy.  Who’s programming this network?  It’s like every series is the result of a dare.

* Beard News! The only thing keeping us from winning the war on terror is our military’s beard ban. 

Click on that story and you’ll read about how one U.S. soldier uses his beard as negotiating leverage, but has told the Afghans he works with that they will have to shave him if he gets injured or dies. 

Also from the article: “Beards are a sign of manhood.”  My impressive winter beard therefore makes me the manliest man in the entire newsroom.

* Heidi Klum: “Sometimes I lie in bed and I’m like, Oh my god, there’s Seal lying next to me. What’s he doing here?”

I’d have the same reaction, Heidi.

britney-spears-old-lips* Britney Spears: “If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under, I’d feel so liberated.”

Britney, if you weren’t under restraints, you’d let K-Fed knock you up again and start flashing your lady parts to paparazzi.

* And finally, my erstwhile love interest from 8 or 9 months ago, Ashley Alexandra Dupre is finally doing an interview.  Way to strike while the iron’s cold, babe.

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