In my head, she was to be lip synching…

* Mondays are always awful.  Practically nothing happens over the weekends, so we’re left with a bunch of stale news and the prospect of previewing something that hasn’t yet happened.  It’s like the entire news business is in election hangover mode.  Where’s the news, y’all?

* Today I ran a story about China outlawing lip synching.  And then I intended to cut to Ashlee Simpson’s total failure on SNL.  But for some reason, my editor cut video of Ashlee actually singing, which sorta deflated the point.  It was a joke with no punchline.  Very dada.

* Another monkey wrench in today’s show: My first story involved the first noticeable snowfall of the season.  Only when I got into the booth did I realize… the story had vanished!  Someone pulled it from my rundown and it disappeared.  Through a little detective work, I see Arch Nemesis Producer Jim ganked it.  I believe he is just jealous of my beard.  Beard jealousy is no excuse to steal another man’s story, Arch Nemesis Producer Jim.

beard1* Zoraida gazed upon my continually more impressive beard and issued the following assessment…

“Interesting look you have there.”

Allow me to translate for those of you who don’t speak Female…

“Shave.”

Zoraida, as we’ve learned, does not like hair.

* My beard growth is an attempt to crack the list of Top Ten Beards.  Zoraida’s lack of support will not hinder me.  I believe every man should grow a beard at some point in his life, if only to prove that he can.  Chicago is a big facial hair town.

 * Hey!  Who wants to listen to a 14-minute unreleased Beatles track, where the guys run around and shout “Barcelona!” and “Are you alright?”  Nobody?  That’s what I thought.

14-minute free-form improvisation?  That sounds like Spinal Tap’s “Jazz Odyssey.”

* (THWACK!) – the sound of a saw hitting your mother
“Ow!”
“Hey.  Here’s five bucks.  Let’s say this never happened.”

borg* A California artist who lost her eye in a car accident wants her eye hole filled with a constantly running web cam.  Resistance is futile.

* The term “3-way” got tossed around a lot in the newsroom today.  Don’t get excited.  We were talking about the Bears.

* Your Bears lost yesterday, but so did my Lions.  Good God, they’re awful.  This article details the Detroit coach’s slide to Colonel Kurtz-like insanity.  (With bonus videos of famous coach meltdowns!)

* Unhappy people watch more TV.  The unhappiest produce it.

* And for those of us whose only friends are plugged into the wall, here’s why loneliness is bad for us.

* Listening to John Denver can increase your bloodflow.  I’d rather leave my blood stopped up, thankyouverymuch.

* And finally, Jason Piazza tells us how to defend an unconventional career choice…

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