* If this were your kid, how long do you think it would take you to stop freaking out?
* Today was a super-fun show. I hope to upload a clip of the final segment for bloggage tomorrow. Rob and Zoraida were good sports. The show looks and feels better when they play ball.
* Mayor Daley warns that “huge layoffs” are coming to Chicago. If you think you’re gonna have a job next year, step forward. Not so fast, everyone in America.
* Where could we possibly cut to get some money back in the public coffers? Might I suggest starting with a trim of the salaries of Todd Stroger ($170K/year), Governor Blagojevich ($166K/year) and someone named Laura Lechowicz Felicione, who’s Stroger’s “special assistant” ($172K/year!)? Thank you, Sun-Times salary search!
* Blind item! “I have a horrid burning sensation in my upper nose.” (This is the part of the after-school special when I discover a giant pile of cocaine on that coworker’s desk.)
* WordPress has this odd habit of eliminating spaces. When I look at my previous blog entries, you’d have to conclude I’m waging a one-man war against the space bar. But it’s not true. Something just gets lost in translation between me typing and WordPress posting.
* Fox has canceled MADTV. For the record, I always felt MADTV blew. There is little on earth creepier than that weird albino kid “Stuart.” (I realize he probably hasn’t been on the show for years, but I never watch.)
The sad part is that I have a friend who was just added to the cast this year. If you click on the link above, he’s the guy on the far left in the blue shirt and gray jacket. Eric Price graduated the Second City Conservatory with me in 2002. I was ecstatic when he got hired. Now it appears he’s headed back to temp job hell with the rest of us would-be comedians.
* I bet you were wondering what it would look like if you injected cooking oil into your face. Well, now you know.
* Remember six days ago when the “Sarah Palin doesn’t know Africa is a continent” story broke and I wrote this… “Dear God. Could this be true? The Africa thing? There’s no way.”
I was right. It was a hoax. Man, I love it when my news Spidey-sense is proven right.
* Rob’s Spidey-sense was going off when he believed yesterday that there was no foul play in the disappearance of a 15-year-old Chicago girl. The police were searching all over for her. And it turns out, Rob was right. Good job, Rob. (That’s the first and last time I will ever type that.)
* Clown auditions went down near Chicago yesterday. You’ll want to check your child’s bed to make sure he wasn’t abducted in the night. Fact: Clowns abduct children.
* If you think they’re all out to get you, you’re not alone.
* The European Union has finally repealed a ban against selling weird-shaped fruits and vegetables. When I ran that story in my newscast, Zoraida refused to believe it was real. But I had a soundbite with a very official-sounding British man talking about “knobbly carrots.” How could I make that up?
* The economy sucks so hard, Christmas is canceled.
* Speaking of Christmas, I was in the State Street Macy’s (“Marshall Fields” for you die-hards) and I saw a sign directing customers to the “great tree” on the 7th floor. Yes, it’s a “great tree,” not a “Christmas tree.” Because there’s no other significance to bringing out a tree this time of year. Nope. Some guy just saw a tree and said, “Hey! Great tree!” And then he dragged it to the 7th floor and decorated it for no reason.
I don’ t know when “Christmas” became a 4-letter word. It’s not like we refer to Rosh Hoshanah as “celebration day.” It’s okay that people who believe different things celebrate those things. Just let them. Quit freaking out about it. No one is trying to convert you.
* Today in one of the scripts in my show, Sarah Palin was referred to as “the former vice president.” There’s a stray “-ial candidate” lying around in a writer’s room somewhere.
* “Hey, honey. What’s for dinner?”
* Team behind “The Dark Knight” sued by the mayor of Batman, Turkey. Batman, Turkey? I mean, first off, your country is named after a tasty bird. Secondly, who’s naming your cities? A 3-year-old boy?
* Actual headline: Helicopters Collect Whale Snot from Blowholes.
* The Iraq War is still going on, despite what the New York Times reported yesterday.
* If you ever go to prison, just start eating. Voila! Instant freedom!