* Executive Producer Wendy was gone today. When this happens, all hell breaks loose. It’s fun.
* This is just my opinion (not that of NBC or its parent company, GE), but those Toyota “Saved by Zero” ads totally suck. Totally. Whenever I hear them I run screaming to the TV and start bashing the volume knob with a claw hammer. It’s one step removed from those soul-and-ear deadening “Kars for Kids” radio commercials. I am not alone in hating these commercials. I hope every Toyota dealership is eaten by stegosauruses.
* Questionable study: Listening to your favorite music may be helpful to maintaining a healthy heart. I wonder if the opposite is true, and every time I hear that “Saved by Zero” song, one of my heart valves eats itself.
* Tomorrow brings the creepily-named fundraiser “Mustaches for Kids.” So if you see a bunch of guys roaming the streets of Chicago looking like they just failed an audition as Oates in a Hall & Oates cover band, that’s why.
* New York school bans scarves. Not the stupid scarves I wrote about two days ago. Regular scarves. I sometimes think school districts exist solely to pass arbitrary rules to condition young people to obey arbitrary authority. Makes them easier to control when they’re older. If a school district wants to really make a difference, they’ll ban too-tight pants on their overweight teachers.
* Oprah offers you this test to find out if you’re rude. If you’d like to tell Oprah where she can cram her stupid test, the answer is yes.
* One of those questions offers the supposedly rude behavior of going through the “10 items or less lane” with more than 10 items. I do that all the time if it’s a U-Scan lane. But that’s because I’m incredibly fast on the U-Scan lane. I can whip through 40 items in the time it takes some old crone to locate the bar code and heft her can of corn across the light beam. Old people fear technology, and they should not be allowed to use it.
* One reason old people fear technology: Robots eat old people’s medicine for fuel.
* President Bush admits regret. We’re through the looking glass here, people.
* Ridley Scott’s next project is… a movie version of the board game Monopoly?!? Whoever greenlit this should not pass “Go,” but go directly to jail. There’s no way this will be anything but awful.
* British couple arrested for having sex on a crowded train. In Chicago, we call that “the Red Line on Saturday night.”
* How to know when you’re having a rough day: You look out your window to see a frozen pig head stuck on top of a pole.
* When you’re eating fast food, you’re eating mostly corn. Except when you’re eating White Castle. Then you’re eating mostly gravel and hair.
* Yesterday, I was watching the incredibly lame Trivial Pursuit game show and some contestant was asked the names of the journalists who uncovered the Watergate scandal. He thought hard, then answered… “Woodrow and Wilson.” Really, dude? “Richard and Nixon” would have been closer.
* And finally, Jason Piazza tells us the best kind of foods for a first date.