Your Election Day Comedy of Errors

* We had a plan going into today.  Oh, yes.  We had a plan.  But plans have a way of getting foiled in live television.

The plan: Use two reporters, one in Grant Park, one at a polling place.

The reality: Only one reporter’s truck functioned.  And apparently a conga line of guests had been lined up without my knowledge.

This man is not me, but I looked very much like this during our show.

This man is not me, but I looked very much like him during my show.

I dodged a bullet because these guests were in Grant Park, and that’s the truck that wouldn’t work.  When you build a TV show, you allocate time down to the second.  And if a guest shows up to talk for two minutes, you’ve gotta erase two minutes elsewhere.  I didn’t really have two minutes to give away.  So in the end, this malfunctioning truck was a blessing in disguise.

Why didn’t the truck work?  Someone here knows.  And that person (or group) should be forced to buy the morning team pizza every day for the rest of the year.

And I would like a word with this person (or group).   Maybe two words.  I’ll let you guess which words those would be.

* All of this makes me incredibly gun-shy for tomorrow, when Rob Elgas is supposed to anchor from Grant Park.  I’m guessing there’s a 50% chance everything will go to hell and I’ll just show my famous trampoline bear video for a half hour.

* Wouldn’t you like to cast your ballot buck naked? Since older people tend to vote in larger numbers, I’m gonna vote “no” on this issue.

McCain 2008* Joe the Plumber was stopped for speeding, but didn’t get a ticket. Why?  The Toledo police department was afraid it would reflect negatively on them.  Tune in next week when Joe kills a hooker in front of the police station, then laughs because they’re afraid to touch him.

* No matter who you support, make sure to get out and vote today.  If you don’t, the other guy will probably win, and then you’ll feel like a big jerk.

* If you went to Nathan Bedford Forrest High School, do you think you’d care that your school was named after a KKK leader? Probably not if you planned to go to Hitler University after graduation.

* Another trick-or-treat horror story: Crazy lady almost plows children, then gets out of her car and cracks a parent on the head with a crowbar. Wonder who she’s voting for today?

* Did you see our story about the dating service just for nerds? I never knew my people could spend time in the company of the opposite sex without a chloroform-soaked rag.

* My visit with the oral surgeon yesterday was unpleasant.  I had to sit around for an hour and a half waiting for him.  And then when he gets to me, he tells me I need someone to walk me home after I get my wisdom teeth yanked.  I don’t really have anyone to do this, so leave me a comment if you would like to drag a heavily-sedated NBC producer to his Lake Shore Drive apartment.  Also, the surgeon usually only comes in to my dentist’s office on Mondays.  How very convenient.  Guess I’ll have to miss a bunch of work, huh?

I snapped a picture of my x-rays.  Please use these to identify my body when I try stumbling home alone…



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