* According to someone I’ve never met, but who works on nbcchicago.com, “Our search, we’re finding, works a lot like Google, whereas you should surround phrases on quotes. ‘Breakfast blog’ returns you as the top result.”
Funny thing about Google… Typing “New York Times” without quotation marks actually brings up the New York Times as the first result. It doesn’t bring up Time magazine and a map of New York, or Morris Day and the Time or York Peppermint Patties.
I declare war on the stupid jalepeño poppers until someone kicks them to the bottom of the search list where they belong.
* Today was an incredibly slow news day. The sports department left us nothing, so we had to work pretty hard to fill time. Necessity being the mother of invention, I just ended my show by showing a minute and a half of this…
* Want to know how slow a news day it was? Researchers say honeybees can count to four. This is news you will never, ever, ever need to know.
* Further proof of the slow news day: Humans made fire 790,000 years ago. I like how we have time and energy to figure this out, but no one knows how to fix the economy.
* Yesterday, a friend was telling me about his experience eating scrapple the day before. Yes, scrapple – it’s a dish made of hog offal, such as the head, heart, liver, and other scraps, which are boiled with any bones attached (often the entire head), to make a broth. It gets worse from there.
My friend might as well have told me he scraped the lining of his garbage disposal with a spoon, sucked it into a syringe and injected it directly into his tear duct.
* A Florida bar is offering free beer to voters in exchange for their “I voted” sticker. In today’s script, I added, “Remember, this is Florida, so there’s an equal likelihood a voter will try to drink his sticker and pour beer on his shirt.”
I write this because Florida voters ruin everything. In 2000, a bunch of confused people punched the wrong holes and couldn’t even press hard enough to break through perforated paper. In 2004, it seemed like we had the same thing – shenanigans in Florida. I’m sure the same thing will happen this year. So much weird stuff goes down in Florida, the amazing news aggregator Fark puts anything happening in Florida into its own category. If it doesn’t make sense, it’s happening in Florida.
Zoraida was not too keen on reading my line about Florida voters, but I was smart enough to give it to Rob, who read it and rocked it. Zoraida was afraid of offending Florida voters. But how many Floridians watch a 4:30 a.m. newscast from Chicago? And even if they did, I’m totally unafraid for retribution from a Florida voter. Before they’d enact revenge, they’d have to figure out which shoe goes on which foot, or they’d have to figure out how to turn on their computers. And really, I think they have better things to do, like botch another election.
* World’s fattest man gets married. Implied in this headline: world’s fattest man has more game than yours truly. Good grief.
* My Lions are 0-7. If they’re really gonna tank the season, I recommend letting the fans play. Seriously, they could auction off roster slots and give the money to charity. You can’t do any worse than winless.
* The Tribune asks, “How old is too old to be sexy?” 46. The answer is 46.
* Over the weekend, I caught up on some recorded shows. Chief among them, “Celebrity Rehab 2.” Gary Busey showed up to the rehab center with a metal suitcase filled with spare change and highlighters. And then he ran around the facility telling the other pseudo-celebs that he wasn’t a patient, he was a counselor. Not so fast, Gary.
Busey is out of his ever-lovin’ mind. He just trolls reality shows telling everyone his self-made acronyms. (“‘Faith’ stands for ‘fantastic adventures in trusting Him.'”)
Oh, Gary. You are so, so, so very insane.