“The secret to being happy”

* Got this e-mail today…

First Floor men and women’s bathrooms will be closed beginning Monday, October 13, 2008 for approximately one week and a half.

So let me get this straight: the economy is collapsing, GE essentially sold itself to Warren Buffet for a ham sandwich, and we’ve got money to overhaul the bathrooms?  If anyone loses his/her job here at NBC5, I hope they know that their salary went toward a shiny new urinal.  (The old ones work fine, I assure you.)

* A special “thank you” to the CTA today.  The Red Line stopped at the Chicago station for a seeming eternity.  I waited at least six minutes, then got off and prepared to walk the rest of the way to work.  As soon as I stepped off the car, the doors closed and the train zipped away.  Where was the familiar “ding dong” letting me know the doors were closing?  I think the operator was just waiting for one sucker to step off, and then he hit the accelerator.

* Our director, Desiree Arroyo, deserves an Emmy for today’s show.  She asked me to write that.

* Today we had a story about a nudist camp.  Nudist stories are always upsetting.  Nudists are never hot, young chicks.  They’re always leathery old dudes.  (See a nudist camp story from the most talented photographer I’ve ever worked with here.)

In the course of writing that story, I learned that one in four Americans has skinny dipped among the opposite sex.  Among our four on-air personalities, which do you think did the deed: Rob, Andy, Zoraida or Matt?

It was a similar story about the prevalence of tattoos that once led former NBC5 anchor Anita Padilla to share (on the air) that she had one.  You never know what these stories will prompt people to admit.

* I probably should have thought twice before doing a Google image search for “nudist” on a company computer…

* A blonde woman sued L’Oreal, claiming a box of hair dye was mislabeled, and she inadvertently dyed her hair brunette. Charlotte Feeney says she can never return to her natural blonde hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants. She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blondes receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time.

Really, Charlotte?  I actually prefer brunettes.  Then again, if all the brunettes are cowering inside their homes, hiding behind hats, that would explain my current dry spell.

* Speaking of blondes, Hugh Hefner just lost one of his three girlfriends.  Poor guy.  Guess he’ll have to assuage his grief by flinging himself backward upon the pile of young, naked women writhing on the Playboy Mansion floor.

* “The Daily Show” hammers Cubs fans.  (Cable-friendly, but adult-ish language)

* You don’t have to pay your mortgage anymore, people.  The government will bail you out.  And even if they won’t, the sheriff won’t evict you.  (That’s kinda like the Grim Reaper taking a day off, no?)

* Another e-mail I got today suggested I order a free InfoPack: “What You Need to Know About Being Happy.”

This message, sent from some unseen GE Overlord, suggests that this packet will “reveal the secret to being happy.” It’s supposed to help me “learn what happiness really is, discover the benefits of happiness, and find out how you can increase your own happiness.”

I ordered this thing on a lark.  I bet it is hilarious.  Unless it’s filled with stock tips and hot chicks’ phone numbers, I am highly skeptical about its claims.  After all, this is the company that forced me to blow an hour of my life learning how not to fall on my face.

* If you’re looking for some laughs tonight, trot over to the iO Theater to see yours truly rock the house with Whiskey Rebellion.  Improvised, no-holds-barred comedy.  Here’s a 2-for-1 coupon.  Show starts at 8.  Be there or regret it every day for the rest of your natural life.

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2 responses to ““The secret to being happy”

  1. “Nudists” is the word used by giggling, blushing, dopes with a pre-pubesent mentality. The correct term is “naturist.” I’ll show you on my membership card from “The Naturist Society.”

    And how did you miss the story about the couple doing the Do in the “handicapped space” in the cop-shop parking lot? Or the guy in Germany who had a double arm/hand transplant?

  2. familygathers

    Hi! Your blog is funny!! I really enjoyed getting a giggle or two this morning!!
    -Sharon

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