“That one.”

* Apologies to those of you who expected to see Zoraida’s prom pictures yesterday.  I wrote the blog, then pushed the wrong button.  I posted it when I woke up yesterday afternoon.  On the plus side, those of you who kept visiting in search of those pics drove the blog to 669 hits yesterday.  I’m sure our advertisers thank you.  (Scroll down to yesterday’s entry for the pics.)

* Got a jarring e-mail in the old NBC5 Mailbag…

Hello, my name is Kaitlyn McAvoy and I am a writer for The Columbia Chronicle at Columbia College of Chicago. The paper is putting together a special sex section that will be out in a few weeks. I am working on a story for it about how those living/working in Chicago lost their virginity. Would someone from channel 5 be interested in participating and tell us your story?

Rob helpfully suggested that I lend my story.  But I don’t know if “groped by circus clown in 1985” is what Kaitlyn is looking for.

* NBC5 and its parent company disavow the following paragraph…

Speaking of clowns, we can all agree that they’re creepy and off-putting, right?  We got an invitation to cover the upcoming Ringling Brothers clown auditions in town.  I really want to send Rob and Zoraida to do a story on this.  Maybe we can capture, on tape, the exact moment that clown training robs you of everything decent in your soul and turns you into a nightmare-inducing pedophile.  (I will link to a reference to the fact that all clowns are pedophiles as soon as I can find one.  Shouldn’t be hard.  In the meantime, read about how clowns are “universally disliked” by children.)

* That was easy.  Meet Spanky.  And Noodles.  And Richard Hobbs.  And Klutzo.  And…

* What was up with that debate last night?  McCain is reminding me of Bob Dole in ’96.  Dole was/is a likeable guy, but when he got behind those debate podiums, he became weird, stiff and unnatural.  McCain’s the same way.  I really liked him up until his handlers got in his ear and told him to stop being himself.  Oh, and Senator, it’s not a good idea to refer to your opponent as “that one.”  Oy.

I’m getting pretty tired of the two of them chucking tax accusations back and forth.  “Senator Obama wants to raise taxes on small businesses by 40 million percent!”  “Senator McCain wants you to donate a kidney before you can collect Social Security!”  Look, neither of you is going to talk straight about how much you’re going to tax us.  Just talk about the issues.  Your numbers are all lies.

* We’ve learned Obama is still smoking, despite his promise to Michelle.  Says Obama, “Seeing as I’m running for president, I need to cut myself a little slack.”  And what happens if you get to the White House?  What kind of slack are we talking then?

* Something to think about this election season: Narcissists tend to become leaders.

* Half-ton Mexican man dies after pleading for help, extra cheese

* 9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex

* Your 13-year-old daughter breaks up with her boyfriend.  Do you…

A) Let her cry on your shoulder.

B) Take her out for a special dinner to cheer her up.

C) Attempt to blackmail her ex-boyfriend to get back together with her by threatening to post naked photos of him on the internet.

* Today we ran a story about “Gmail Goggles,” a feature that can prevent you from sending a drunken e-mail in the middle of the night.  You’ve got to solve a simple math problem before it will go through during hours you specify.

Since we had no video of Gmail, I made my own.  I punched up the computer and started typing the following e-mail.  The words started appearing on the air while Rob read the story.  I’m pretty sure neither he nor Zoraida caught it… 

DEAR ROB ELGAS,

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS READ SUCH BEAUTIFUL SCRIPTS SO POORLY? THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

WHOEVER WRITES THESE THINGS MUST BE SOME KIND OF GENIUS. I PITY HOW OFTEN HIS BEAUTIFUL WORDS ARE MANGLED IN YOUR MOUTH. IT’S LIKE YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF VENDETTA AGAINST THE POETRY FLOWING FROM YOUR PRODUCER’S FINGERS.

PLEASE ISSUE A LENGTHY APOLOGY TO HIM AND REFRAIN FROM VOICING YOUR OWN OPINIONS FROM NOW ON.

IN OTHER NEWS, I REALLY ENJOY THE NBC5 BREAKFAST BLOG. I MEAN, TOTALLY HILARIOUS STUFF. I GO TO NBC5.COM/BREAKFASTBLOG ALL THE TIME AND IT IS THE ONE RAY OF SUNSHINE IN MY OTHERWISE DREARY AND WORTHLESS LIFE.

AND ANOTHER THING… THAT STUNT WITH ZORAIDA’S PROM PICTURES YESTERDAY WAS NOTHING SHORT OF GENIUS. WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT MUST BE SOME SORT OF DEMI-GOD.

MAY I BUILD AN ALTAR TO YOUR 4:30 AM PRODUCER AND BURN INCENSE AND ANIMAL SACRIFICES UPON IT? IT SEEMS ONLY FAIR. HE WORKS SO HARD AND GETS PAID SO LITTLE.

IN CONCLUSION, ROB SHOULD GIVE HALF HIS SALARY TO HIS PRODUCERS BECAUSE THEY DO ALL THE WORK AND HE GETS ALL THE CREDIT AND NONE OF THE BLAME… EVEN THOUGH HE’S TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING THAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR STATION.

HA HA HA HA HA 

(Forgive the caps, but that’s how our more angry e-mailers sound off.)

* While looking for images to throw into the above e-mail, I stumbled upon this…

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3 responses to ““That one.”

  1. Zoraida:
    Did you or your family posted a video in AFV?
    I think you or somebody that look a lot like you was in AFV.
    pleae email

    G2D

  2. Brilliant stuff – here’s an idea – just let Rob sit there & look pretty & have the extremely talented , beautiful , intelligent Zoraida read your exceptional words . I’m pretty sure all of our lives would become much better !

  3. Rob and Z need to learn somethings.
    –Read the joke aloud a few times to discover the rhythm and voice of the lines.
    –Don’t edit or change words. They matter.
    –When in doubt (which should be ALWAYS), ask the writer to read the joke. He/she knows!
    –Sign up for the Sense of Humor Transplant experiments at UofC.
    –There IS help available for them.

    Also, take the writers shoelaces and belt away before the third segment of the 430AM show. It is the safest way.

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