What to do with all this pent-up rage? I know! I’ll e-mail a TV station.

* I will literally pop some popcorn for tonight’s vice presidential debate.  (Watch on NBC5 or I will disown you.)

* Blind Item! “I have a stomach of steel and I feel like I have a crater in my colon.”

* Zoraida brought to my attention some of the pork included in the Senate-approved bailout package.

+ Rum excise tax to Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands
+ Motorsports racing track facility
+ Wool modifications
+ Wooden arrows

If John McCain wants to score some major points, he’ll “make them famous” for this stuff like he promised.

* I think Zoraida is coming around to my way of thinking.  She just e-mailed me a link about some girl who bleeds through her pores.  Just random splotches of blood appearing all over her skin.  Freakshow!  I wonder if she’s single…

“Mom, Dad, this is Twinkle.  She bleeds spontaneously through her pores.”
“No, Mom.  If you want the salt, you can ask Twinkle to pass it.  She’s closer than I am.”
“You know what, Mom?  I was never a fan of that couch anyway.”

* You can buy a home in my home state of Michigan for $1.75.

* Eat the kangaroo, save the world.

* While searching for a kangaroo picture, I stumbled upon the most terrifying souvenir ever.  Curse you, Google image search!

* A California woman accused of driving her teenage son and his friends to confront a rival gang insists she didn’t plan for a 13-year-old boy to die in the fight.  What was she planning, exactly?

* Hey, Cubs and Sox: Slide headfirst.

* Women are happiest spending time with family.  Men are happiest when online.  By that rationale, I should be over the moon right now.  Should.

* When siphoning gasoline, do not use your lighter to see how much is in the container.

* The world’s fattest man is getting married.  Attention, ladies… I’m officially the last bachelor on Earth.

* Let’s dip into the old NBC5 Mailbag, shall we?

NAME: Chris
SUBJECT: nude painting from bar

?What was that all about? Was it suppose to be funny? Does some producer get a cut from the painter? Was that a slam at Palin? Whatever that was it was in such bad taste.

Dear Chris,

I wish I got a cut from the painter.  But he’s just some guy who married a bar owner.  Google News shows 84 hits for “palin nude painting” so I’ll be sure to forward your e-mail to all the other media outlets who’ve picked up on the story.  (Google at large shows 47,700 hits for the phrase, so I’ll be forwarding for a while.)  Oh, and thanks for the extra question mark to start your e-mail.  I’ll save it for a sentence that actually needs it someday.

NAME: Jayne

Hey, Ben. I was the person (maybe there was more than just me… how pretentious did THAT sound, huh? But I digress. Already.)who wrote to Zoraida in April when you went on your blog hiatus. I know that I’m two weeks late, but I wanted to let you know how excited I was to see the graphic for the breakfast blog when I was watching the news last week. Whatever it was that offended the higher-ups, or whatever it was that enticed you to come back and start writing again, I just wanted to say thanks for the laughs… your blog remains one of my favorites.

Thank you, Jayne.  You could teach Chris a thing or two about proper e-mail tone.  (Fawning = good.  Bitter = bad.  Unless you’re me.  Then bitter = readers.)

NAME: Lisa
SUBJECT: soundoff@nbc5.com

I cannot find this site. Can you send me a link?

Dear Lisa,

Which site are you looking for?  The one you were on to send that e-mail?  Or do you believe soundoff@nbc5.com is a website?  That’s an e-mail address.  Please consult Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens for a more clear description of the internet.

NAME: Debbie
SUBJECT: Morning Cubs Photo Contest

In this day of child abuse and the like, what a terrible and irresponsible choice of “winning” photo…how can you condone, if even in jest, a parent who offers her child in exchange for Cubs tickets? While I understand this photo is meant as a joke, your selection sends a horrible message. Should we next joke about rape or murder to win Sox tickets? What parent would really trade their child for tickets to a game? Surely there must have been a better choice. How disappointing of your staff.

Dear Debbie,

You’re right.  We should have chosen one of the 200 baby pictures.  Or one of the 200 dog pictures.  They were clearly superior.  Let’s take a look at the person we so irresponsibly chose to win.

How very mean-spirited he appears.  I bet he spent the whole Cubs game plotting ways to sell actual children.

* If you’d like to generate an image like the one Colin used to snag the Cubs tickets, here’s the site he used to do it.

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