* Another weak day of news. It seems the networks are tangled up in trying to report the financial crisis in some way that doesn’t cause our eyeballs to dry up and roll out of our skulls… and the local media are stuck turning to sports for our lead stories. Cubs, Sox, Subs, Cox, Bears, Bubs, Sears, Box, Cears, boring, boring, boring…
The only thing worse will be when winter comes and we do the same telephone interviews with the same guy dispatching the same plows every day. (Really? Are you plowing the streets? Like you do every time it snows? Tell us more!)
* My show is nice and all, but if you flip on Telemundo at this hour in the morning, you can see a show called “Muy Buenos Dias.” It shows an endless parade of bikini-clad hotties dancing to the latest music videos. They’re on a beach, and most appear lubed up with something shiny. Why can’t I produce a show like that?
* Robert Feder is on the way out. There goes our link to TV industry gossip. I don’t know Mr. Feder, but he filed a few complimentary columns about our great NBC5 experiment “Barely Today.” He trumpeted its arrival and mourned its passing. And ultimately, he may have been the only person outside the NBC Tower to know it existed. Thanks, Bob. (Can I call you “Bob”?)
* Rob apparently took issue with yesterday’s thrashing of idiot “magician” David Blaine. So on yesterday’s “Off the Record,” he held his breath for as long as he could. I hear that’s also how he negotiated his contract.
* So Rob thinks it’s impressive to do something stupid and set a world record. May I introduce you to Ashrita Furman? He’s set 204 world records and is the current leader in 85 categories. His achievements in balancing a milk bottle on his head, eating Jell-O with chopsticks and duct-taping himself to a wall are all infinitely more impressive than David Blaine’s pathetic bids for attention.
* Every Tuesday, we have to come up with a “Text Tuesday” question. It’s multiple choice, and we aim to get the most viewers involved. Today, we ran through dozens of questions without finding a suitable choice. An hour after the question first aired, we had a whopping 5 text messages. Among the rejected questions this morning…
> What body part do you want David Blaine to land on when his rope snaps?
> Which NBC5 morning personality should be fired to save us money?
> Should “Text Tuesday” be abolished?
> Are the Bears who we thought they were?
> Which of your children would you sell into slavery to win Cubs World Series tickets?
> Don’t you wish White Sox fans would shut up about their lack of respect?
* As I write this, a police scanner at our news desk is blaring static. The person sitting nearest the volume knob seems unfazed. I’m about three seconds from ripping it out of the socket and tossing it into the news director’s office. (It would be my welcoming gift to our new ND, Chris Pena. I wonder if he has a tilde over the “n.” But finding the proper tilde-triggering key combination is too much work at this hour of the morning. Sorry, Chris.)
* Idaho cheerleaders opt for more conservative uniforms after some fans complain their old ones were too revealing. Bring these complainers before me. I will have them crushed by heavy stones.
* NBC5 security chased down our writer, Jenel, this morning. They asserted they didn’t know her. She’s been gone for like four months. The last time she was here, she was pregnant. And she has a key card to access all our security doors. This smacks of those TSA clowns who toss elderly people out of their wheelchairs under the guise of airport security.
* The son of the Detroit Lions’ owner believes Matt Millen should be fired. Really? How far into that 31-84 record did you come to that conclusion? The Ford family owns the team. Say… how’s that auto industry doing? Terrible? Maybe you want to try changing your strategy when something fails repeatedly for seven years or so. (I close my eyes and dream of Barry Sanders.)
* Chimps prefer cooked food. And I prefer not dining alone, but I guess both of us are out of luck, huh, chimps?
* As Wall Street tanks, financial workers turn to religion. Sounds about right. Jim Cramer is about as unhinged as John the Baptist in “The Last Temptation of Christ.”
* Shocker: people aren’t spending as much in Vegas these days. I hear the white tigers have taken side jobs as can openers, Flintstone-style.
* Here’s a sign your life is headed in the right direction: You’re busted stealing $20 from a 2-year-old girl’s piggy bank.
* The best pranks usually involve animal corpses, am I right? (Seriously, dude…)
* This whole blog thing is taking far longer than I remember. Given our absence of legit news, that could be our lead story tomorrow — Local blogger frustrated with WordPress.