And lo, Cain slew Abel over his Hot Pocket

* “Hey, bro, what do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m preparing to eat this delicious Hot Pocket.”
“Think again.” (Stab)

* Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 NBC5 Tease Competition Champion is… yours truly. 

All week, Executive Producer Wendy challenged each producer to come up with the best possible teases.  Of course, I can rattle off an amazing tease in my sleep (which, coincidentally, is how I can survive the overnight shift).

I won for the tease about the 33-year-old mom posing as her 15-year-old daughter so she could join the cheerleading team.  I made Rob say, “Gimme an ‘O!’ Gimme an ‘L!’ Gimme a ‘D!'”  I’m sure I got bonus points for the fact that the crew joined in and did, in fact, give Rob his requested O, L and D.

My prize was an NBC drawstring backpack, an water bottle (made of that stuff they say is poisoning babies), a bag of peanut M&Ms and a new bottle of vitamin water.

* A word about those prizes.  Since I started working at NBC5 in January of 2006, I’ve had a total of two water bottles.   I bought an orange vitamin water, was unimpressed by the taste, but was impressed by the 20 ounce capacity and wide mouth construction.  So I kept reusing the same bottle to save the environment.  This grossed out my coworkers to no end, so in February, they staged a revolt and bought me a new orange vitamin water.  I dutifully chugged the vaguely orange-flavored liquid and went about my happy refilling.  Now I have a new bottle.  But chucking my old one after just seven months of daily use seems wasteful, no?

And I don’t know how I became the M&M guy, but now it’s the candy of choice for coworkers trying to bribe me.  I think I was complaining in this blog about how I hadn’t received so much as one M&M in tribute from my underlings.  Then, everyone started bombarding me with M&M’s.  That’s cool.  M&M’s are a tasty treat, and easy to portion-control so they last a few weeks.  But I also like other candy, too.  Let the record reflect that I love caramel.  Someone needs to buy me some Rolos.  (Not that I will ever turn down M&M’s.)

* Rob came in this morning, bouncing off the walls because he went to the Cubs game yesterday.  Apparently, the head honcho of Connie’s Pizza went to the concession stand and returned with a hot, fresh pie for the two of them to share.  I used this to my advantage during the sports tease, when Rob read this: “Me getting a free pizza was the second most exciting thing to happen at the Cubs game yesterday.  Sports is next.”

* Not only does Rob land free pizza, he also gets dates thrown in his lap.  Look at this e-mail we received….

Dear Rob Elgas:
My name is (name withheld) and my boss is a 26 year old attorney who I think would be perfect for you. I watch your show before work in the morning and I think my blonde, young, wonderful boss, (name withheld), and you would make a great couple. She is pretty and vivacious and lives downtown and I would love to have you both meet for a cocktail sometime. Please let me know if you would be interested. I can e-mail you a picture, give you more information, etc…


(name withheld) 

Funny.  The closest I’ve come to landing a date on this shift is when I got a phone call from some woman wanting to report a shooting.  I have no idea if she was single, but she sounded kinda into me.  (“There’s cops everywhere” is a euphemism for something, right?)

* Actual computer message conversation today:

Rob: “(Writer name withheld) is not using present tense.”
Me: “Maybe she’s referring to things that happened in the past.”

There’s a belief in many newsrooms that everything must be written in present tense to make it palatable to the viewer.  Sometimes it’s possible.  Sometimes it’s not.  I don’t bend over backwards to make it happen.  Good word choice is more important than verb tense any day.  (Highlander Producer Carol refuses to use the word “was.”)

* Microsoft is bringing a merciful end to those godawful Jerry Seinfeld/Bill Gates commercials.  Those things were the equivalent of my show’s third segment: uninformative and bizarre.

* This article tackles that age-old question: How do you pick a good first-date movie?  Still looking for that article on getting a girl to agree to a date in the first place…

* CNN presents 9 types of guys to avoid.  I was kinda upset not to see “4:30 a.m. news producers” on there.  If there were some sort of list floating around out there, it would actually explain a lot.

* Who’s hungry for breast milk?  Nobody?  That’s what I thought. 

(Hot Pockets on the other hand… I’d stab a guy over one of those.)

2 responses to “And lo, Cain slew Abel over his Hot Pocket

  1. Dear sir-

    I am writing from the National Society of Producers Producing Production, and I must object to this, the second time you have revealed information critical to the field of TV news producing. Some might call them crutches, but we call them trade secrets. Writing in present tense DOES engage the viewer, bring in ratings, make your anchors look prettier, and, if you play your cards right, will get you dates in the outside world.

    Because this is your second offense (see your other post about “authorities are investigating”) we are considering pulling your membership.


    NSPPP (yeah you know me)

  2. Dear Rob,

    Why dont you go home and cry to Mommy about it? Lame…

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