Don’t Call It a Comeback

* So I bet you’re wondering where I’ve been for the last four months.  It’s time to put the rumors to rest.  I’ve been fighting werewolves.  “Preposterous!” you cry.  Not so.  Have you heard of any werewolf attacks over the last four months?  No?  That’s because I killed them all.  You’re welcome.

* The viewer e-mails have been a little salty lately.  On Friday, we reported this story, about how taller people are happier, mainly because they make more money.  (To set the scene, imagine 5’5″ Zoraida Sambolin sitting next to the towering mass of man that is Dick Johnson.)

Here is the script Zoraida read…

“If you’re wondering why Dick’s smiling this morning… taller people are happier on average than shorter people.  According to a new study, each extra inch in height gives as much satisfaction as a 4% increase in income.  Researchers say taller people tend to be more well-educated, and that leads to higher income and higher status jobs… And that means more money. The researchers said for men, moving from below-average to above-average height would bring the same satisfaction as a 29% raise.”

Hours later, we got this e-mail…

Regarding the 4:30 AM “News” Broadcast on Friday, Sept. 12th:

As a 5’4″ man, I’m sick of hearing vacuous teleprompter readers(Ms Samblin), reading with a vacant gaze how poor,uneducated, and generally undesirable I am because of my height, and, Mr. Johnson, because of your insensitivity on the subject, as well, should I be sitting sitting in front of you on an airplane, you can pretty much expect my headrest jammed down your throat for the duration of the flight.

And, by the way, studies have shown pretentious, over-confident hispanic women, and tall, fat middle-age white guys, usually end up getting jobs as local teleprompter readers.

Just thought you’d like to know.

Normally, I don’t take the bait on something like this, but I felt that this viewer had the wrong idea.  Here’s my extraordinarily well-mannered reply…

Dear viewer,

Zoraida reads the news of the day.  She neither authors nor endorses such studies.  The story came from Reuters:

The Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index may not reflect your experience, but we felt the survey was interesting, nonetheless.

I thought that would put the issue to bed.  Instead, the same gentleman sent this e-mail…

Mr. Bowman, Of course you felt the study interesting, you’re not short!

This gentleman has never met me.  He has no idea how tall or short I am.  I’m 5’8″.  Every inch strapping and manly, yes, but 5’8″ nonetheless.  Nearly every man in this newsroom is taller than me.  In fact, Highlander Producer Carol is like 3 feet tall and she called me short.

The story is interesting regardless of your height.  If you’re tall, you’re probably feeling great because you’re rolling around in those huge stacks of money.  And if you’re short, you’re probably irritated because for whatever reason, you’re paid less.

In any case, I hope our e-mailer cheers up.  If “The Lord of the Rings” taught us anything, it’s that wee folk are necessary to destroy enchanted jewelry. 

* Washington Redskins TE Chris Cooley would like to apologize for inadvertantly showing everyone his penis.

When we reported that story this morning, Rob said on the air, “We looked it up online.  He’s a big guy.  He’s huge.”  If you’d like a news anchor to judge your size, send a naked photo of yourself to

* Hearing Mayor Daley say, “Cuckoo,” in reference to a certain other government official was pretty much the highlight of my year.  Politics has gone playground, people.

* Dear Abby’s advice on trailer park sex.

* Did you see the Cowboys-Eagles Monday Night Football game?  Incredible.  Why can’t the Super Bowl be like that?  It had a million crazy plays, not the least of which was Philadelphia WR DeSean Jackson, purposely flinging the ball out of his hand before crossing the goal line.  What’s up with that?  Was he playing against some guy who owned him in a fantasy league?

* This morning, Zoraida, Kim and Executive Producer Wendy spent several minutes lamenting the state of our economy.  “It’s over,” Z kept saying.  She practically delivered a soliloquy on the death of the American dream.

“Not so,” I argued.  “It’s never over.”  Zoraida asked for an example.  I pointed to the Great Depression.

“Yeah,” she said, “but never in our lifetimes.”

Actually, yes, the stock market has tanked in our lifetime.  In 1987, the Dow lost 22.6% of its value in one day.  It took two years for the market to recover, but it did.

So yes, we all might be poorer today, but the fact remains, we will be back.  Just like this blog.

2 responses to “Don’t Call It a Comeback

  1. Yay!! Ben is back :)

  2. Hopefully both tall and short can unite to fight the unjust causes of financial unbalance due to height stature. A roundtable debate should ensue and be carried LIVE.


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