I ran. I ran so far away.

* Despite a bum ankle, I ran my hometown 5K in 24:04. That’s three 8-minute miles. Unbelievably, I’m still single.

* Writer Theresa called in sick for today and tomorrow. We were not given a replacement. That’s kinda like a CTA train conductor calling in sick and the CTA not coming up with a backup. The Red Line can run itself, right? Good thing our stories come pre-written by the Keebler Elves who live in Warner Saunders’ boots.

* Researchers say your facial expressions give away your lies. I know a woman’s lying to me when her lips are moving. Unless she’s telling me, “no.” Then it’s the truth.

* Different, smarter researchers tell us what every schoolchild knows: Math story problems are useless.

* Meanwhile, the dumbening of America continues. Two-thirds of teens admit to using emoticons and internet abbreviations in their written school assignments. Allow me to draw the conclusion that two-thirds of teens have lousy parents and should have been weeded out by natural selection by now.

* On the air today, Rob said Andy had “everything you don’t want in a forecast.”

“Locusts?” I asked in his earpiece.

Then he messaged me through the computer. “Ever watch ‘Man vs. Wild’?”

“Yup,” I replied.

Rob continued. “Watched ‘Bear Eats’ yesterday, where he ate a raw zebra, drank camel insides and
bit a snakes head off.”

My reply: “After all that, did he get into the frat?”

* Hey, Florida. Good luck banning rubber testicles from trailer hitches. The fate of a nation’s dignity rests in your capable hands.

* 300-pound Arkansas inmate complains he’s lost more than 100 pounds while behind bars. Unfortunately, the jail doesn’t allow you to send packages, so if you’d like to help this tub put some pounds back on, write him a letter, soak it in bacon grease and send it to Broderick Lloyd Laswell, c/o Benton County Jail, 1300 SW 14th St, Bentonville, AR 72712

* Ace NBC5 Desk Assistant Ryan Pollyea dropped by the newsroom this morning to interview us for a video about the overnight shift. He asked me on camera what I thought about Andy. “Other than the meth problem, he’s great,” I said. That’s not true. Well, it’s true that I said it, but Andy doesn’t have a meth problem. Anymore. Okay, that’s also not true. Andy has never taken meth, so far as I know. That, I’m sure, will be edited out.

But as I chatted with Ryan, I told him I wanted to give him a plug on the blog. His videos are pretty much the second-funniest thing on this site. (Bob Sirott’s profile is the clear winner.) But NBC5.com is a little shaky on the whole “trying to find what you’re looking for” thing.

So here’s one of his well-crafted videos from YouTube…

And for the record, Andy is an upstanding citizen who abhors meth. Unlike me, who needs a double dose just to roll out of bed at the crack of noon.

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One response to “I ran. I ran so far away.

  1. I speak two languages, help save kids from poverty and put on a mean karaoke show – and I’m still single too. What the f?

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