* Tom Cruise is returning to the Oprah show. Yikes. That’s like asking Howard Dean to fire up a crowd again.
* A nameless NBC5 employee referred to my job as “turd polishing.” That’ll look great on my resume.
* For the third day in a row, the sports department failed to leave me a package. Next time I fill in on an evening show, I’m going to “forget” to leave them more than 30 seconds to do their entire sportscast.
* NBC is replacing Jay Leno with Conan O’Brien next year, so Jimmy Fallon will get O’Brien’s old chair. And after those two shows, Carson Daly will continue to anchor a show no one watches.
* Great story today. Guy and his girlfriend are sitting around watching porn on Wednesday morning when the girl flips out. She accuses him of being the actor IN the porn movie. Then she stabs him in the face and bites him on his chest. So the guy hauls off down the street, wearing only his boxer shorts. And he calls 911 as she chases him with a knife. The 911 tapes are priceless. (Hear them by clicking on the video on this page.)
911 Dispatcher: “Bernalillo County 9-1-1.”
Nearly Naked Guy: “She has a knife and I’m (bleeping) running down the (bleeping) road bare footed.”
911 Dispatcher: “Hold on. Hold on, why does she have the knife?”
Nearly Naked Guy: “Because she is (bleeping) crazy.”
But who among us can say his girlfriend hasn’t mistaken him for a porn actor, stabbed him, bit him and chased him down the street at some point?
* Florida ponders allowing Christians to display their faith on their license plate. Fine by me as long as they mandate special license plates for the state’s elderly that say, “I can’t punch a chad.”
* Iraq is still paying thousands of dead, injured or missing policemen and soldiers, most of whom are also on Cook County’s payroll as distant cousins of Todd Stroger.
* Sorry, kids. No O.J. on the next season of “The Apprentice.” But I hear he’s in the running for his own show, “Candid Stab-ya.”
* A Russian billionaire is launching a website, magazine and TV channel called, “Snob.” Meanwhile, I’m launching a magazine for people in my income bracket called, “Are you gonna eat that?”
* Job stress equals an unhealthy lifestyle. Really? What kind of lifestyle comes from producing a live, overnight newscast against unimaginable odds? A lonely, soulless existence of slavery to The Man, frayed/non-existent relationships and a constant death wish? Nail on the head, researchers. Nail on the head.
* As the following item makes me ponder a career change, I see that an elderly British guy is paying people $14 an hour to drink with him. Let someone else do the polishing for a while. I’m outta here.