* The sports department has forsaken me once again. The Cubbies went extra innings, so they didn’t leave us a package. They claim we can’t do Sox without Cubs. But the funny thing is, the Cubs won their 10,000th game yesterday. So this morning, I ran the Cubs story and nothing about the Sox. Take THAT, sports department. I just threw your rule back in your face. Maybe I’ll only run Cubs highlights all season to make the Sox fans angry at you. Just leave us a package with all the other sports and we’ll cut the missing team’s video the next morning. Sheez.
* My Pistons broke out the whoopin’ stick against the 76ers last night. I was unable to see the game since I was at the theater, but I’m glad to know we’re back on track.
* When Zoraida entered the newsroom today, she made a beeline for Executive Producer Wendy’s desk and the “Cowboy Hunks” calendar she’d received. She tore into it like Star Jones into a bag of Doritos. But Zoraida was mightily disappointed as she flipped through. Mr. January had too much chest hair for her liking (picture to the right). The rest of the cowpokes appeared too juvenile for her. The only cowboy to meet her high standards was a guy who appeared “rugged,” but only his face was visible.
I watched as she scanned the calendar lustily. “I thought girls only wanted a guy with a sense of humor,” I said.
“No,” she said. “Not for ogling.”
That explains it…
At this point, Zoraida suggested I rip off my shirt and pose for a calendar and I checked out of the conversation. Clearly, she was driven mad by her untamed shaven-chested cowboy lust.
* Researchers say paying people a compliment appears to activate the same reward center in the brain as paying them cash. I wonder if the opposite is true. If so, lots of women out there owe me some money.
* More than 85,000 people have signed up to compete to be Paris Hilton’s new best friend. In other news, I know 85,000 people who would make excellent volunteers for risky medical experiments.
* The internet Lolcat phenomenon has to stop. But apparently, some moron is about to be hired to write this stuff. In case you’re unfamiliar, the internet has been overrun by stupid, stupid pictures of cats with annoying, misspelled captions – things that erode the dignity of all mankind, like a picture of some cat with the phrase “I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?” beneath it. This is funny how, exactly? Like how “Cathy” cartoons are supposed to be funny? People who like that stuff should be deported, or at least maimed in an industrial machinery accident.
* Let’s talk about something more pleasant, like how the aptly-named Megan Fox has been named the sexiest woman in the world by FHM. She’d be hotter without the tattoos, but I digress. She made “Transformers” almost watchable. Almost.
* Scientists discover why you make the same mistake twice. Not sure about their conclusions, though. I keep making the same mistakes because I don’t know any better.
* Todd Stroger is making all his employees sign confidentiality agreements. That doesn’t sound suspicious at all. Your government in action!
* I sure hope when I get old and senile, my grandson puts a ski mask on me, hands me a gun and videotapes me spewing obscenities.
* ABC7’s Cheryl Burton got cold-cocked yesterday by some guy randomly running around punching people. I must’ve been absent the day they taught us how to take a punch in journalism school.
* Warning: If you tie a lawn chair to 1,000 helium balloons and go for a ride, you will die. Even if you are a priest.
* Yesterday, Bob Sirott delivered the following story during our 4:30 p.m. newscast…
“When you’re hanging with the guys at a local bar, what cocktail qualifies as a manly drink? According to some of our website sources, here are the top five: Rusty Nail – which is scotch and Drambuie. Gin and juice. Tequila sunrise, A martini — not sure if it’s shaken or stirred… And finally, the number one manly drink to order, and a retro one at that, a Manhattan.”
NBC5 “News” just became NBC5 “Random Stuff You Might or Might Not Care About.”