Tales of Unnecessary Thievery

* After weeks of a news drought, we finally had some rain.  Normally, I hijack a lot of the previous night’s news and use it in my show.  But last night’s shows were all lame.  (Sorry, guys, it’s true.)  Each half-hour contained the same three or four stories over and over again.  So I had to scrap the old stuff and go hunting for new content.  That’s not easy when very few stories break overnight.

Oh, and the sports department didn’t leave me their usual two-minute sports package since the Sox game wasn’t finished and they claimed we can’t do Cubs without Sox.  Really?  Maybe I can run a story about the Sox after sports is finished.  Did you think of that?  Or were you just being lazy?

Abandoned by my dayside colleagues, I set out to fill my show with great stories.  And the news gods cooperated.  Observe…

* Senator Clinton says she’d “totally obliterate” Iran if they launched a nuclear attack on Israel.  Where was this smack-talk on WWE yesterday, Hill?

* A real-life robocop is patrolling Atlanta, cracking down on bums.  I remember seeing the original “Robocop” at my friend Danny McCauley’s house when I was a kid.  Gave me nightmares for weeks.

* British scientists say women on low-calorie diets or who skip breakfast at the time of conception are more likely to give birth to girls than boys.  Armed with this knowledge, I will shovel loads of waffles into my wife’s mouth when she becomes pregnant.  But with the threat of imminent marriage at an all-time low, I will have years to ponder this scheme.

* A lab technician in India steals 102 vials of sperm, intending to sell them for $625 to a doctor in another city.  How are there sperm shortages anywhere?  India has frat houses, don’t they?

* Perhaps more upsetting, police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises.  I just want to say I have the highest respect for Congolese sorcerers.  And I don’t think you’d really want to steal my junk.  I can’t even give it away.

* Ang Lee is making a gay Woodstock movie.  Big surprise.  Every movie Ang Lee makes is gay these days.  And they’re boring.  And they’re long.  Ang Lee owes me at least four hours of my life back after the snooze-inducing “Ice Storm” and “Hulk” flicks.  Can we get Michael Bay to loan him a few explosions (of the non-gay variety)?

* Rob bought a dozen donuts for the newsroom today.  Since I am training for a 5K on Saturday, I helped myself to the custard-filled chocolate frosted one.  In so doing, I think I just added 30 seconds to my time.  Let it be said that Rob is doing a tremendous job buying food for us. In tribute, I will give him all the good stories from here on out.  Zoraida will have to read all the bland car crash scripts until she ponies up.

* I understand I’ve been assigned an intern.  He’ll start next month.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with the kid.  Maybe I’ll have him ring up my ex-girlfriends and ask them if they’ll get back with me.

I’m only kidding.  To have an ex-girlfriend, I would have had to have had a girlfriend at some point.  Maybe I’ll have him just start calling girls out of the phone book to ask them if they’ll go out with me.  Abbie Andrews through Zelda Zumphries, you’ve been warned.


One response to “Tales of Unnecessary Thievery

  1. Would the Indian sperm banks have awards for the Liter Club?

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