* While yesterday was a struggle due to a lack of news and a lack of staff, today was just a calamity of errors. Tapes went missing, the news was boring and I couldn’t write very well. I chalk this up to a lack of pizza, for which I blame station management. Pizza or revolution! How many times can I say it? Today I was reduced to eating leftover chocolate that’s been sitting in an open bag since yesterday morning.
* Cops shoot a cougar on the North Side. Seems a little extreme. Why not let her date younger men in peace?
* Eight out of 10 Arabs have an unfavorable view of the United States. The other two are translators for Halliburton.
* Italian man eats ballot. Mmmm… democrilicious.
* My generation expects to be destitute in retirement. This is what I kept telling Rob the other day when he kept jawing about the station’s 401K program. But I doubt I’ll even make it to retirement, what with the lack of nutrition from station-provided pizza. (You hear me, boss-types?)
* Another reason we won’t be able to afford anything in retirement: rampant food inflation. This is the worst food inflation in 17 years. At this rate, the guys who cater the set of “The View” are going to go bankrupt.
* Some guy paid $1.5 million for a film of Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex. For that kind of money, he could have spent 333 hours with Ashley Alexandra Dupre.
* Ellee Pai Hong returned to the morning shows to fill in for an absent Zoraida. Ellee informed me she’s taking improv classes at Second City. I invite her and you to check out a master of the improvised arts. I perform with Whiskey Rebellion Thursday night at 10:30. We’ll be upstairs at the i.O. Theater next to Wrigley Field. Tickets are just $5. (More info here.)
* Magazines are now retouching pictures of celebrities and models to add weight. (Example of Cameron Diaz alteration here.) For the record, Cameron Diaz was s-s-s-mokin’ hot in “The Mask,” but then she got all anorexic and now she looks like an Olsen Twin or a stick insect. Same difference. I like women who look like women, not Ray Harryhausen’s skeleton warriors from “Jason and the Argonauts.” But also not like the manatees from “The View.” There’s a happy medium in there somewhere.
* 98% of historians consider President Bush a failure. The other 2% want you to read their book, “The History of Halliburton.”
* And finally, yesterday was Black Day in South Korea. It’s a holiday when pathetic single people get together, wear black and eat black food to mourn their lack of love. For me, every day is Black Day. You can spot me each night, shuffling to work in my black coat, eating burned toast and staring wistfully at any lovely lass who passes by.