Tequila Mockingbird

* In response to Rob falling for my joke yesterday, Executive Producer Wendy hatched a fiendish scheme for this morning. Yesterday, as you’ll read in the blog, I wrote that America’s least favorite book was “The Big, Big Book of Stains: Scratch and Sniff Edition.” Rob read this and believed it. Zoraida laughed openly, as did most of the newsroom.

Today, upon my arrival, Wendy informs me that she had our graphics department whip up a cover for this fictional book. I gave it to Zoraida and told her to keep it hidden until the show. In our final segment, we replayed a clip of Rob’s assertion that a scratch and sniff book about stains would be a good idea… and then Zoraida unveiled our mock copy.

Rob played along and smelled the book. And then he kinda derailed, saying that you could have lots of pleasant smelling stains. “Tequila,” for example.

Really, Rob? We tell you we have a book of stains (STAINS!) and the first one that jumps to your mind is… tequila? Remind me never to bring Rob on Family Feud.

HOST: Okay. Top five answers on the board. Name something that might leave a stain.

ROB: (Buzzes in.) TEQUILA!

HOST: (Stunned.) Um. Okay. Let me see… tequila!

(Angry buzzer accompanied by red “X” graphic.)

HOST: Sorry, Rob. No tequila. Smith family, your chance to steal.

MR. SMITH: Ketchup?

HOST: Let me see… ketchup!

(Ding, ding ding!)

HOST: Ketchup! Number one answer on the board. Smith family – play or pass.

ENTIRE SMITH FAMILY: PASS!

HOST: Okay, Elgas family. We need something that might leave a stain. Top five answers on the board.

ELGAS #2: Whiskey!

ELGAS FAMILY: Good answer! Good answer!

HOST: Let me see… whiskey!

(Angry buzzer accompanied by red “X” graphic.)

HOST: Tough break. Okay, moving down the line. What’s something that might leave a stain.

ELGAS #3: Uhhh… Bartles & Jaymes Wine Cooler!

ELGAS FAMILY: Good answer! Good answer!

HOST: You guys know you can name things other than liquor, right?

* Looks like Katie Couric might be ready to bow out of her CBS Evening News contract before it expires in 2011. Sorry, Katie. Guess perky don’t play at night.

* Yet another reason to vote for Obama: John Cleese has offered to write his speeches. Are you kidding me? How freaking awesome is that? John Cleese is a comedy god. Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, “A Fish Called Wanda.” The list goes on and on. If this happens, I see the United States opening its own Ministry of Silly Walks. This would make me very happy.

* In the interest of fairness, here’s a Hillary story: Elton John plays a concert for her and rings up $2.5 million for her campaign. Oh, and he says America is misogynist. Clearly. Because the only possible reason someone wouldn’t vote for Hillary is misogyny. Remember that when you go to the polls. Elton John is watching you, and he’s catty.

* Florida passes a law to allow its citizens to bring their guns to work. What could possibly go wrong?

* One in five scientists takes performance-enhancing drugs. In other news, nerds everywhere are suddenly joining Major League Baseball teams.

* Crayola is rolling out 8 new colors for the 50th anniversary of its 65-crayon box. Among them: Giving Tree Green, Fun in the Sun Orange and Super Happy Yellow. What, no “Desperate Loneliness Blue”? No “Rejected Once Again So Now I’m Seeing Red”? No “Lack of Happiness So Bleak No Light Can Escape It Black”? Come on Crayola. Some of us wish to draw our sorrow.

* Yesterday, I issued a challenge to NBC5 management: “Pizza or Revolution.” Our daytime workers are frequently showered with free food: pizza parties, ice cream socials, communal birthday cakes and the like. But in the morning, we have to take up a collection just to hit the vending machines, and then we all squabble over who gets to lick the Skittles bag. My challenge has so far gone unnoticed. But the campaign for company pizza funds will not rest until we are fed on a semi-regular basis (or at least once). You hear me, management? PIZZA OR REVOLUTION! This is your final warning. Pretty please.

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One response to “Tequila Mockingbird

  1. Mr Bowman,

    If I were a contestant in your mock Family Fued game, I would have answered: “Poo!” or “Pee!”. Those stains are horrible.

    Survey says…… (you better hope I don’t treat the crew to pizza, I’ll have a special slice just for you and Ms. Wendy)

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