Chuck Heston Memorial Blog

 * Now I guess we can pry the gun out.  Charlton Heston is survived by his hairpiece and several damn, dirty apes.

* Today’s White Sox home opener went far more smoothly than last week’s Cubs opener.  You have no idea how much easier it is to produce a newscast when the people in your show can actually hear what you’re saying/screaming to them.

* India is hard core when it comes to gun control.  To get a permit, men have to get vasectomies.  No word if the new gun owners are limited to shooting blanks.

When we did that story in today’s show, Zoraida refused to read that punchline.  Please spread it around to your friends and family and tell them Zoraida came up with it.  That’s not true, but it subverts her attempt to class up my show and salvage her reputation.

See, Zoraida’s gotten a little gunshy because a few viewers have written in to the station to say they don’t like her.  But really, if those people should dislike anybody, it should be the guy writing the words in the prompter.  I welcome all your hate mail.  But more importantly, I’d like all of you to write lovely letters about how great Zoraida is.  E-mail them to me at and I’ll hand-deliver them to her.  With a “Miracle on 34th Street”-sized sack of letters, maybe she’ll loosen up and have fun again. 

(And if you hate Zoraida, you can also e-mail me, but I’ll probably mock you on the blog.  Z’s my girl.)

* Today one of the girls at work showed off a large leather bag.  She declared to the assembled women that she bought this Coach satchel for $300.  Every woman within earshot started whooping like some sort of rare swampland bird.  All I could think was, “$300 for a bag?  What a ripoff!”  For the women, this thought ran, “$300 for a bag?  What a deal!”  Mars, Venus.  Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

* Arch Nemesis Producer Jim sent me the following link today: Bloggers are dropping like flies.  Two have recently died of heart attacks.  Says the article, “Bloggers complain of weight loss or gain, sleep disorders, exhaustion and other maladies born of the nonstop strain of producing for a news and information cycle that is as always-on as the Internet.”

Awesome.  Not only do I feed the monster of 24-hour news, I also have to keep hammering away at this blog or you people will… I don’t know… set fire to the NBC Tower or something.  Between this story and the constant news items suggesting that remaining single is about as healthy as drinking magma, I have roughly a month to live.  I’d like my tombstone to be a scrolling LCD screen with all my blog entries.

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